Archive for the ‘COMEDY’ Category
Give Me Cancer Now, God
For the love of all that is holy, someone please take away Steven Crowder’s camera. Or at least ship him over to pjtv where no one will see him. I mean, fuck. Politics aside, in tone and execution this is the most grating youtube video I’ve seen this side of Boxxy. Please, Steven Crowder. Just stop. Please. I’m begging you here.
Oh yeah, politics: Enough with Bow-gate already, Big Hollywood. How about a few pieces on, oh, I don’t know, HOLLYWOOD.
Scare Quote Watch, Day 21
Ah, Alfonzo Rachel. So we meet again. Your new pieces have been posted at Big Hollywood only sporadically. I was beginning to wonder if Breitbart got drunk and hit on Dr. Helen at one of the Tea Party planning meetings or something.
In characteristic style, Zo says that Obama thinks Americans are “arrogant” and that Republicans are “dismissive of the vote of the people,” then goes on to attack Obama as if he actually said those things. Which, no, he didn’t say either of those things, Alfonzo Rachel did. Since one of my ongoing schticks is to point Big Hollywood contributors to wikipedia articles that plainly answer questions they ask rhetorically, I’ll send Rachel here.
He spends the whole piece bristling at the “arrogant” accusation (which no one made), offering up example after example of American noblesse oblige as proof that YOU LIBERALS are wrong when you call Americans “arrogant.” Except, uh, all the examples of American altruism he offers are liberal policies he actually opposes. Healthcare and education for children of illegal immigrants, foreign aid to Muslim countries, etc.
And that new background. Ugh. Dude is going to break out into “Kung Fu Fighting (Remix)” any second.
It’s Not a Toomah
Maybe I was out-of-town or something, but it seems like, one day, late last summer, I turned on the computer and suddenly every hard-right conservative hated Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m not implying that they don’t have good reasons, I’m just confused. What did he do? Is it just the budget thing? A lot of states are having budget problems. Someone enlighten me in the comments.
I bring this up because Skip “I Give Everybody a Parenthetical Nickname” Press, who once street-teamed for Schwarzenegger, is now solidly behind the effort to recall him from office.
I think he’s wrong for several reasons:
1) In general, I think recalls should only be used in extraordinary cases where there’s clear wrongdoing (and even then, impeachment is a cleaner option). One of the things that worried me most about the Gray Davis thing was that it set a precadent for recall on sole basis of unpopularity. At the time, I argued that Republicans would come to regret using the tactic. Just wait until the next election, guys! There’s a reason we have them so often!
2) The Gray Davis recall was an absolute circus. Skip, the only reason you’re stuck with Schwarzenegger now is because of the recall madness. Dude never would’ve won first-time election through the normal process. No way he makes it out of a California GOP primary without being the incumbent.
But anyhow, I’m no fan of Scharzenegger, so whatever. I’m mainly covering this post to talk about this bit:
And that was before I had much of an inkling about the wickedness of Nancy Pelosi, whom we must remember represents the Haight-Ashbury district of Baghdad by the Bay, aka San Francisco
What? I really don’t get the “Baghdad by the Bay” insult. I thought, like, the Iraqis are our friends now? And that it was only Hussein we hated to begin with, right? We ❤ the Iraqi people, right? We were there to help them out! Zah?
Please, Can We Move On to the Next Crappy Meme, Already?
Sigh. I’m getting too old for this shit. Big Hollywood is just going to keep harping on the DHS rightwing extremist threat assessment aren’t they?
John Simpson ain’t Erasmus, and his satire today (which, characteristically, isn’t really a satire at all, but a pouty-faced exercise in passive-aggression) focuses on the douchiest form of political speech: the bumper sticker.
First, Right-Wing Extremists are often known to display their radical sympathies on bumper stickers. This could be as simple a matter as a Confederate flag on a pickup truck, but often involves stated extremist messages like ABORTION KILLS, BABIES ARE NOT SPARE PARTS (they are), and ADOPTION: THE CARING OPTION (it isn’t, spare parts is).
In this instance, it is best to keep a safe distance and follow the unsub’s vehicle, to where fellow right-wing extremists of like mind are no doubt plotting their next abortion clinic massacre.
In the case of bumper stickers like I’D RATHER BE TRIED BY TWELVE THAN CARRIED BY SIX, or I’LL GIVE YOU MY GUN WHEN YOU TAKE IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS, once again, keep a safe distance and follow the unsub’s vehicle to the Timothy McVeigh-influenced militia group of which they are a part.
If you see bumper stickers such as WHAT PART OF ILLEGAL DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, AMNESTY SUCKS or SPEAK ENGLISH, these messages indicate strong nationalist, and most likely racist, tendencies of the unsubs driving these vehicles.
Actually, they do indicate nationalism pretty clearly.
I’ve already covered the completely, utterly innocuous DHS publication that started all this pearl-clutching, so I won’t rehash that here, except to make one small point that I haven’t yet.
Simpson:
Though you may encounter some extremist-appearing bumper stickers like KILL BUSH, NO BLOOD FOR OIL, WHO WOULD JESUS TORTURE, WAR IS NOT PRO-LIFE, LA RAZA, BILL AYERS IS THE BOMB or bumper stickers that bear the Aztlan or ‘reconquista’ emblem, ignore them.
Now, this all started thanks to a Washington Times piece that John Romano linked to. The Times is Breitbart’s employer, and, clearly, no bastion of mamby-pamby liberalism. Even the Times, though, freely admits that DHS does, in fact, release threat assessments on left-wing extremist groups as well.
In January, the same DHS office released a report titled “Leftwing extremists likely to increase use of cyber attacks over the coming decade.”
“These types of reports are published all the time. There have actually been some done on the other end of the spectrum, left-wing,” Ms. Kuban said.
So, you know, not only have Simpson, Romano, and Jena not read the actual report they are hyperventilating about, they haven’t even read the entire Washington Times red-meat piece about it.
Worst Counterculture Ever
I must say, I’ve enjoyed Breitbart’s pieces more since those videos of his drunken ramblings at that Americans for Limited Government meeting surfaced. They’re much more amusing now that I can imagine them being read in that stilted Asperger-cum-pothead tone, and giggle at his mullet-after-a-bender hair.
The Big Guy stops by today to let us know he was at a Tea Party with Gary Graham and Orson Bean, and to make this observation:
It was a breathtaking experience with upwards of 2,000 people who were, much to the media’s disappointment, civil and and well behaved. This was the ultimate middle-class-Costco-shopper protest…
Is Costco giving him, like, a free 600-pack of TP or something to say that? I’ve got to say, staging “the ultimate middle-class-Costco-shopper protest” sounds like about the least effective method of political activism possible. In other news, I cannot fucking WAIT for the video.
I Think Jeffrey Jena is Having a Stroke
Seriously. He didn’t even need, like, a link or an article or a news item to set off his latest paranoid rant:
Wow! Here is what I did today. I taught my comedy writing classes, I went to the driving range and YMCA with my son, and I worked for about four hours on a new web site I‘m helping to launch. Let me see was there anything else? Oh yeah, I became a dangerous potential terrorist and enemy of the state.
How did I become more dangerous to America than an Islamic fundamentalist with a vest full of C-4? It was all my fault! You see, I was so worried about Big Brother I didn’t see Big Sister sneaking up on me. Janet Napolitano has declared that a lot of Americans who are only exercising their constitutional rights are a danger to the country.
I am completely baffled. I read this piece like 5 times, thinking I missed the link or the pull-quote that set him off. Nothing. He’s talking about the same thing as that John Romano piece I covered two posts back, I guess? Maybe?
There are only two news items today about Napolitano: 1) about her cracking down on border security and on companies that hire illegal immigrants, and 2) her issuing a statement about that publication that had Romano in fits.
“We monitor the risks of violent extremism taking root here in the United States,” Napolitano said Wednesday. “We don’t have the luxury of focusing our efforts on one group; we must protect the country from terrorism whether foreign or homegrown, and regardless of the ideology that motivates its violence.”
Even the Washington Times article that Romano linked to freely admits that DHS has put out several similar publications assessing risks from violent left-wing groups. It’s DHS’ job to monitor groups that make violent threats.
But all of this is neither here nor there, because I’m not even sure if this is what Jena is referring to. It’s just as likely that my first instinct was right and he’s simply having a stroke and is spitting up bile at random.
A Spot of the Ol’ Ultraviolence
Steven Crowder offers a stirring apologia for solving problems with your fists
When my kid comes home with his first bully problem, I won’t be leaving him ill-prepared for the world by giving him the old sissified, “Well, you need to use your words” speech. I’ll lay it down for him bluntly (as my dad did for me and as all parents should):
“Listen, son. You can go tell your teachers, but they won’t do very much and the kid’s probably just going to bully you even more. The same goes for the school Principal and the PTA. What you need to do, is walk right up to that punk, and punch him in the nose as hard as you possibly can. Now come, let me teach you a couple of take-downs.”
Preaching the wonders of properly-employed use of force to our kids is not only honest… It’s our duty in preparing them for the real world. If you think I’m wrong… Well, you’re probably a pansy, so what do I care?
I feel really, really sorry for this guy’s kids. Their father will have the dude from Yes, Dear‘s parenting philosophy and Ryan Seacrest’s hair. Fuck.
And what’s up with the Hobbesian world-view? If violence is truly the only real currency, then why the fuck are we bothering with civilization?
Listen, violence freed the slaves, took down the axis of evil and still manages to fix every remote control that I’ve ever owned. More recently, the use of force quickly brought an end to the escapades of a few Somali jackasses. Three shots fired, three men dead… And there was much rejoicing. To those of you still teaching the “violence doesn’t solve problems” myth to your kids… What are you thinking? Does anyone out there truly believe this insane rhetoric?
Does Steven Crowder even realize that two of the three members of the axis of evil are still doing quite well? And if he was in favor of violence to “free the slaves,” then clearly he’d be on the side of black militants in the ’60s, right?
And then there’s this
Does anyone here honestly think that “Seung-Hi Choi” went on his Virginia-Tech shooting spree after getting fired up at an NRA rally?
He put scare-quotes around the dude’s fucking name. Look at all those vowels! These liberals think this constitutes a proper name!
Yeah, The Comment Threads at E! Online Are a Regular Fucking Delphic Oracle
S.T. Karnick (goddamn, how many people are going to write for this site?) has a short piece up crowing about how the internet “Superbrain” predicted Kal Penn’s exit from House (yeah, I don’t really care if I just spoiled you).
My first thought was “Holy shit, is there some sort of advanced neural net system dedicated solely to predicting House plotlines? AWESOME.” Sadly, by “Superbrain,” Karnick is just referring to what the kids these days generally call the “hivemind.”
Last week’s episode of the Fox Network medical-mystery series House included a Big Event meant to shock the show’s viewers and send the story line in an interesting new direction, as one of the main characters of the series was killed. As it happens, the show’s fans figured out exactly who it would be, several days in advance of the program’s airing, as the kind of public conversation the Internet makes so easy enabled a mass pooling of information and instant critiquing of same.
This almost instantaneous accumulation and processing of information makes the web something of a superbrain. Yes, figuring out the plot twists of television shows may not be the most productive use of people’s time and brainpower, but this somewhat frivolous achievement does indicate the impressive potential of the Internet as a mass information processing tool.
Karnick provides no links to back up this assertion, but presumably he’s referring to the fact that Michael Ausiello of Entertainment Weekly and Kristin Dos Santos of E! Online posted overlapping blind items the week before that House episode aired, causing pages and pages of speculation both at their sites and at TV related sites across the web.
I have no idea what Karnick’s point is. Some speculators on the internet correctly predicted the twist, but only with the help of key information leaked by the show. It’s not as if they came up with it whole cloth. And, for every random blogger or commentator or TwoP forum poster who correctly predicted Kumar’s demise, there were 10 who guessed incorrectly. Read through the comments to Ausiello’s post, and you’ll see just how awesome the “Superbrain” is.
While there are posts like this:
YoursTruly Fri, Mar 20, 2009 at 03:20 PM EST
I agree with Colleen S – if it’s House, it has to be Kutner. Taub is too obvious, as is Thirteen. Wilson’s even a little obvious with Amber dying and his brother issues. We know absolutely nothing about Kutner except that he was raised in foster care (that’s true, isn’t it?). I keep waiting for an episode centered around him, and with this new blind item, I’m starting to believe we’re not going to get it.
So for a suicide that completely comes out of no where, with no previous info indicating it’ll happen, I absolutely vote for Kutner. Though i do like Kal Penn.
There are many, many more posts like this:
Monica Fri, Mar 20, 2009 at 03:04 PM EST
Since Washington State has legal assisted suicide, I say it’s Izzie on Grey’s. What a good twist and relevant issue. George will help her
Judy Fri, Mar 20, 2009 at 03:16 PM EST
I agree with those who said either Nicki or Sara of Big Love. I am very obsessed with that show, and agree about those synonyms as being hints. I think it will be Nicki. I hope I am wrong because with Nicki gone, the show would be very different. Love that show.
bean Fri, Mar 20, 2009 at 03:32 PM EST
cant be Kutner, yeah he was adopted but he seems like the most balanced person on that show and I wouldn’t consider him a main character. We haven’t seen much of him lately and we only really see him at work, no personal life. I’m thinkin TR Knight or Katherine Hiegel on Grey’s is that one too obvious? I don’t keep up with that show anymore are they still main characters?
Steph Fri, Mar 20, 2009 at 03:34 PM EST
It has to be Battlestar Galactica since the BI just showed up. And it would have big repercussions for the fans. Even though the show will be over, it will drive us wild. My bet? Admiral Adama. Laura drifts into death on the wreckage of the big G and Adama follows her with suicide. He can’t live w/out both his girls. Plus, “in order for children to live and grow, their parents must die”. Therefore Adama and Roslin are goners. 😦
You get the idea. The “Superbrain” didn’t “predict” the twist in any meaningful sense. There was no real consensus, just wild speculation. A small portion of that wild speculation happened to be correct. So fucking what?
Presumably He is Talking About the Same Thunder that Destroys Sheep When You Click on Them 100 Times in Warcraft 2
Spike Spencer, who, by the way, boasts this awesome CV
He has voiced hundreds of episodes of Japanese Anime including such notable titles as “Evangelion,” “Battle Angel,” “Suikoden,” “Orphen,” “Spriggan,” “Nadesico,” “Mar,” “PreTear,” “Buso Renkin,” and “Bleach.” His video game credits include WOW-The Burning Crusades, Tales of Vesperia, Steambot Chronicles, Star Ocean 2, and many others.
is shocked that Barack Obama is praising the work of American troops in Baghdad.
President Barack Obama paid a surprise visit to the troops recently in Baghdad. For that I applaud him. The troops were buoyed up by a visit by their Commander and Chief. And that is a good thing. He also praised them for their service and commitment. Also a good thing. Then he went on to say that they had done a remarkable job in giving Iraq a great gift; the chance to govern themselves in a Democratic fashion. A free people now able to seek their own path thanks to the efforts of the U.S MILITARY!
Uh, come again?
This paragraph illustrates Spencer’s MO throughout the piece, which is to misleadingly paraphrase things Democratic politicians have said, then attack those paraphrasings as if they were direct quotes. Here is a transcript of the speech Obama gave in Iraq.
THE PRESIDENT: Under enormous strain and under enormous sacrifice, through controversy and difficulty and politics, you’ve kept your eyes focused on just doing your job. And because of that, every mission that’s been assigned — from getting rid of Saddam, to reducing violence, to stabilizing the country, to facilitating elections — you have given Iraq the opportunity to stand on its own as a democratic country. That is an extraordinary achievement, and for that you have the thanks of the American people. (Applause.) That’s point number one.
Point number two is, this is going to be a critical period, these next 18 months. I was just discussing this with your commander, but I think it’s something that all of you know. It is time for us to transition to the Iraqis. (Applause.) They need to take responsibility for their country and for their sovereignty. (Applause.)
Read the whole thing, it’s pretty clear that Obama is saying the opposite of what Spencer is attributing to him, ie “Sorry you guys had to fight such a freakin’ stupid war. You did the best you could with it; now let’s get the fuck out of here while the gettin’s good.”
But since he’s only attacking his own paraphrasing of Sean Hannity’s broad characterization of a Drudge Report headline he read, instead of looking at the actual transcript, Spencer cannot understand why the mainstream media isn’t as dumb as he is.
So, after what the President said to our soldiers in Baghdad, um, wouldn’t that make those on the left, uh, how do I put this gently,,, WRONG!?
If this were the other way around; we would never hear the end of it. How many times during George Bush’s term did the press try to get him to say he made a mistake? They were relentless. Now that it is blatantly obvious that all the critics were wrong and their leader just stood up and more or less stated exactly that, where are the journalists? Where are the pretty bobble head TV news teleprompter readers? Where’s the outrage? Where’s the pride in a job well done? Where’s the mea culpa from the left? Where is the thunder after Obama’’s lightning bolt?
As usual, what do we hear? Crickets.
So again I ask… WHERE’S THE THUNDER!?
This rhetorical flourish only serves to make me picture various members of the mainstream media establishment as WWE characters. Wolf Blitzer wouldn’t even have to change his name.
Please, won’t someone, anyone, BRING DAT THUNDA?!?!?!?!
Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop 
