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Daily Idiot Manchild

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I’ve generally given up posting about Greg Gutfeld’s (ugh) “Gregologues,” in part because they mostly conform to a link-oneliner-plug format that doesn’t leave a lot of room for discussion, and in part because he’s the one member of Big Hollywood‘s sub-Caroline-in-the-City comedy team who at least tries to crack jokes instead of acting like creepy, seething, passive-aggression is comedy.  Maybe he’s only tolerable relative to the likes of Crowder, Jena, or Hudnall, but I’ve developed a bit of a soft spot for the big lug.

It must also be said, in the interest of giving credit where credit’s due, that Gutfeld is generally judicious when singling out figures or initiatives or soundbites from the left that are worthy of mockery.  My usual reaction to his column goes something like, “Wow, it’s a little sad that Greg is 35 and still pining for the ol’ frat days, but yeah, that was a silly thing Obama said, there.”

Today, though he’s getting his smirk on because there’s a harmless GOTV video where Obama doesn’t pander enough to “middle-aged white dudes”:

So, for this upcoming November election, here’s an idea to help restore American strength and prosperity. White middle-aged men must band together and throw the idiots out.

That’s all there is to it.

At least, if I follow President Obama’s lead. For, in his mind, his victory requires splitting the populace apart – and only these folks matter: young people, African Americans, Latinos, and women.

I like how Gutfeld acts like “white middle-aged men must band together and throw the idiots out”  hasn’t been his employer’s plan since, oh, I don’t know, Tax Day ’09.  But that shit aside, the video Gutfeld links to is completely harmless.  Obama talks about engaging and energizing people who didn’t normally vote before 2008, who came out specifically for him, and who are now in danger of slipping back into apathy.

Yes, that largely means women, black, Latinos, and young people.  Now, it may surprise Gutfeld to learn that women alone account for over 50% of the population.  Shocking!  I did a quick-and-dirty calculation based on census data, and those groups combined account for about 72% of the US population.

But Obama actually spent two minutes directly addressing the majority of Americans, while not addressing its most privileged sub-sub-sub-group, “middle-aged white dudes,” so clearly he’s a racist.

Acknowledging that people other than “middle-aged white dudes” exist is not the same as excluding them!  Is Gutfeld so used to seeing “middle-aged white dudes” pandered to that he can’t see the difference?  Guys, he works for Fox.

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Written by dieblucasdie

April 28, 2010 at 5:21 am

100 Years of Slavery Followed by 100 Years of Institutionalized Oppression is Exactly the Same Thing as that Time Some Guy Hurt Cam Cannon’s Widdle Fewings

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The hit parade continues with this gem from Cam Cannon, some wannabe-screenwriter who apparently writes under a gay-club DJ name, and who has been giving John Romano a run for his money in the “Missing the Point Entirely” category of late.

Me and my racially group [sic] of friends had these same kind of conversations, except that we weren’t racially mixed, we were a bunch of young dumb white guys. But I had black friends confirm our findings: there’s not really a racial epithet you can sling a white person’s way that carries the venom that a word used over-and-over-again by rappers carries for African-Americans. But my thinking has evolved.

There is a word you can call a white person that carries with it all sorts of horrible implications, and that word my friends is RACIST.

The R-word.

Yeah, dude.  Calling a black person “nigger” as an epithet, in the same way white people did when they fucking beat them, treated them like cattle, murdered them, terrorized them, raped them, and devised various legal apparati to justify themselves, yeah, that’s exactly the same thing as someone pointing it out when you’re being a dick about race.  It sucks to make a mistake and be accused of racism, sure, but fuck, man, get a little perspective.

But lo!  What has brought Mr. Cannon around to this way of thinking?  A black guy was nice to him once 13 years ago.  No, really.

As always, I must take you back. To 1996. I was a newlywed working two jobs, and I became pretty good friends with one of my African-American co-workers at job number one. We were both fans of hip hop music, and used to swap mixed tapes. He turned me on to Jay-Z, and I passionately argued that the Beastie Boys were not to be trifled with. One day, we got into a discussion about the Source Magazine, and it’s response to the Tommy Hilfiger rumor. You remember, Hilfiger supposedly said that he didn’t like black people wearing his clothes. Hilfiger of course denied the veracity of the supposed quote, and it’s been debunked about a million times, but at the time, Source was shall we say, skeptical. For their writer, the surfacing of this rumor only confirmed what they had secretly suspected for a long time: Tommy was an R-word.

I of course found this absurd. I don’t know Tommy, but I was pretty sure that the color he cared about was green, as in Lorne. I mean, as in money.

But then my friend dropped the bombshell on me, explaining that he too suspected every white person he met was probably a racist. To his credit, he admitted that when I first started, he suspected that I was an R-word.

While I remained friends with him, I couldn’t help but feel hurt. I’d never been called a racist before – and I guess I still hadn’t, but the mere fact that someone hadn’t ruled it out got to me. So, I organized a protest, made plans to shoot a documentary about it, and contacted the best-dressed attorney I could find… Seriously, what I did was I brought it up to him later.

In discussing it with my buddy, I explained that, in essence, upon meeting me, he found me no different than Sheriff Ray Stuckey in “Mississippi Burning.” For all he knew, I was like Sheriff Ray Stuckey, he said. But when I met him, I thought, hey, there’s a black dude. I’m not so high and mighty as to say I don’t notice race – but when I saw him I certainly didn’t think, oh my Lord, it’s O-Dog from “Menace II Society!”

He saw my point, and I never did think that he was a bad guy for thinking the way he did.

Am I, like, the only one who doesn’t see the problem here?  Dude was like, “When I first met you, I thought you’d be like all the other racist assholes around here, but hey, you’re cool!”  And Cannon is hurt by this?  To the point that he’s bringing it up in public web posting 13 years later?  What the hell?  The guy didn’t even actually call him a racist. Also worth noting here is the enormous difference between doing some reflexive stereotyping in your head and using a racial slur out loud to a person’s face.

This is Cannon’s big experience with Race in America?  Racist, please.

Written by dieblucasdie

August 5, 2009 at 12:17 am

Yes I Said Yes I Will Yes

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Looks like Gary Graham is going through the Terrible Twos:

Are we the party of ‘NO’?

Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Dianne Feinstein, et al, have gone on record to call the Republican Party ‘The Party of No’. 

Why?  Because we say NO to socialism?   NO to racism?   NO to weak foreign policy footing, kowtowing to despotic world leaders?   Because we say NO to socialized medicine?   NO to fomenting class-warfare, NO to raising taxes on the affluent?   NO to killing babies in the womb, NO to redefining traditional marriage?   NO to calling returning veterans extremist nut-jobs to be placed on a watch-list?   NO to thinking we can spend and tax our way back to prosperity by saddling our grandkids with a Mt. Everest sized debt?

The (admittedly kinda lame) “Party of No” line the Dems have recently been pushing isn’t about any of those things Gary Graham is freaking out about, it’s about trying to point out, in a snappy way, that the most conservative legislators have signed up for a job they don’t believe should exist.  They’re anti-government!  

And it’s also about pointing out that the Republicans are ripping into the Obama budget without offering one of their own.  (This is a standard majority-government talking point, one that the Republicans had no problem employing under Bush). 

But whatever, at least something is causing Graham’s latest barely-coherent rant, even if it’s only tangentially related to the things he’s freaking out about.  Plus, unlike Spike Spencer, he spelled it “kowtowing” and not “cow towing.”

We are the Party of ‘Know‘. 

We know the principles upon which this country was founded.  The principles you Lefties are always dragging through the mud.  Little things like individual liberty.  And respecting the flag.  And love of God and country.  And respect for our fighting troops.   And smaller, limited government.   And a dedication to our international autonomy.  And the belief in peace through strength.  Trust, but verify.  Ruggedindividualism and personal responsibility.

You see…I look upon these values in a very positive light.  It’s only when I see them attacked on a daily basis from the likes of the New York Times, the ACLU, the Washington Post, CBS, NBC, CNN, NPR, The Huffington Post, the Daily KOS, the Daily Show, David Letterman, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Congress and RINO Republicans and every other arrogant, leftist collectivist punk who wants to completely redesign our Constitution and fashion instead a Eurotrash version of a socialist utopia….well…yeah, when I see these sacred principles attacked, I stand up and yell, NO! 

NO, YOU CAN’T!!!

Ya see, Lefty…  We know all about you.  We know the truth.  And we know you’re full of crap.

We are the party of KNOW.

Oh FUCK.  They KNOW.  I’m so glad my full-name isn’t listed on my “About” page.

Written by dieblucasdie

May 6, 2009 at 12:03 am

What If John T. Simpson Were a Liberal?

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I’m not really one for speculative fiction outside of Harry/Snape slashfic,  but it’s an intriguing question.  Probably he’d be just as long-winded and incoherent, only more in a stoner way than in a forehead-vein-about-to-burst way.

How would the Left report the news if Obama were a Republican, i.e. an Uncle Tom, as many on the Left call now-GOP Chairman Michael Steele? Eureka! That’s it! See, it’s one thing for me to point out the obvious, as I did in my media slam yesterday. But what if we walked GOP President Obama’s media coverage through the mirror darkly, as was SOP for President Bush?

NOW we’re gonna have some fun!

NOW!  HAVE IT!  HAVE THE FUN!  Also, what’s with the 1 Corinthians up ins?  Am I at a crappy yuppie wedding?  If so, it better not be a cash bar.

I ain’t going to bother responding the substance of Simpson’s little acid trip here, since I think Olbermann, Roesgen, and Franken are all pretty annoying, but I hardly need to point out that Simpson neglects to mention what Fox News, talk radio, and, hell, his own forum would be like.

The Wolf Blitzer dig strikes me as a little strange, though, given that 1) he just seems like the kind of reporter who is going to suck up to anyone in power, regardless of party and 2) on a slow news day, he invariably does the here’s-what’s-on-Drudge today thing.

Oh, and if Simpson were a liberal he’d probably be a Truther.  Yeah, definitely.

Written by dieblucasdie

April 30, 2009 at 2:56 am

What Would Gouverneur Morris Think?

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benfranklinvskoolaidUnlike Burt Pretlusky, he’d probably be pretty happy with contemporary establishment clause jurisprudence, actually.

If the authors of the Constitution had ever, in their worst nightmares, envisioned a group as vile as the ACLU, I feel certain that they would have rephrased the First Amendment to read: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.  Period!  And we’re not kidding, so help us God!”

There’s not even an up-to-date news item that sets Pretlusky off; it’s just the same War-on-Christmas silliness.  I understand that appeals to tradition and authority are important facets of the conservative ethos, but the constant appeal to the Founders has always confused me.  It’s always capital-F, and it always assumes a more or less monolithic group.

I use the example of Gouverneur Morris flippantly, but purposefully.  Dude wrote large chunks of the Constitution, had some seriously weird ideas about religion, and speechified nonstop in favor of fringe religious expression.  He would’ve been the first one in line to “go to the mat to safeguard a Muslim’s right to wear a disguise on her driver’s license,” as Pretlusky puts it.

More to the point, though, if you could actually go back and ask THE FRAMERS about today’s issues, their response would more likely be along the lines of

a) “America is still around in 2009?  I don’t think any of us saw that one coming.”

b) “2009 and no robot butlers?  What a shitty future.”

c) “Why the fuck are you asking us what we think?”

The dudes went to great lengths to set up a clear system for the people of any era to govern themselves, within the constraints of a few simple small-r republican principles.  They did this precisely so we wouldn’t have to be wondering what the hell they were thinking all the time.

Written by dieblucasdie

April 29, 2009 at 1:29 pm

PROPAGANDA

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1101001225_400It must be great to get paid for reporting on your random trips to retail stores, Jeff Lindsey.

Yesterday while strolling through the aisles of my local Barnes & Noble I was assaulted by fourteen magazines with Obama spread across their covers, all in differing poses, two included his wife in close embrace. In the history section forced upon my eyes in plain sight were 23 hardcover books with this political porn star upon it. Michelle Obama even had two books of her own, one a biography, and the other, I believe, was about her fashion sense.

OH MY GOD WHAT KIND OF LIBERAL DISTOPIAN NIGHTMARE IS THIS?!??  HAVE I AWOKEN TO SOME SORT OF KAFKAESQUE HORROR?  THERE ARE MAGAZINES WITH PICTURES OF THE PRESIDENT ON THE COVER!!!!

Also, there’s this:

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Written by dieblucasdie

April 20, 2009 at 8:16 pm

Scare Quote Watch, Day 21

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Ah, Alfonzo Rachel.  So we meet again.  Your new pieces have been posted at Big Hollywood only sporadically.  I was beginning to wonder if Breitbart got drunk and hit on Dr. Helen at one of the Tea Party planning meetings or something.

In characteristic style, Zo says that Obama thinks Americans are “arrogant” and that Republicans are “dismissive of the vote of the people,” then goes on to attack Obama as if he actually said those things.  Which, no, he didn’t say either of those things, Alfonzo Rachel did.  Since one of my ongoing schticks is to point Big Hollywood contributors to wikipedia articles that plainly answer questions they ask rhetorically, I’ll send Rachel here.  

He spends the whole piece bristling at the “arrogant” accusation (which no one made), offering up example after example of American noblesse oblige as proof that YOU LIBERALS are wrong when you call Americans “arrogant.”  Except, uh, all the examples of American altruism he offers are liberal policies he actually opposes.  Healthcare and education for children of illegal immigrants, foreign aid to Muslim countries, etc.

And that new background.  Ugh.  Dude is going to break out into “Kung Fu Fighting (Remix)” any second.

Written by dieblucasdie

April 16, 2009 at 10:50 pm