Archive for the ‘GALTIAN MONOLOGUE ALERT’ Category
Steven Crowder is doing some quality trolling today with a headline like “Poor People Can Be Greedy Too”. Judging from the url, it looks like the Big Hollywood editorial staff wisely trimmed Crowder’s original title, “Poor People Can Be Greedy Scumbags Too.”
Ever notice that the chronically poor nearly always share one thing in common? They are some of the most greedy SOB’s on the planet. I know it seems sacrilegious to say so. You’re just not supposed to criticize the poor.
Yeah, they’re always trying to get “food” and “shelter.” Greedy fucks.
Now, I hate to throw a Proverb at you (particularly as it’s not of the trendy Chinese variety, but one of those scary Old Testament scribbles) but no matter what your faith, I would imagine that Proverbs 28: 22 would still have to be incredibly insightful.
A stingy man is eager to get rich and is unaware that poverty awaits him.
See, God isn’t condemning rich people. He’s condemning actions followed by a solemn warning of where they would lead. God seems to think that actions are a reflection of your heart. He’s a freaky dude when it comes to that kind of thing. Yes, I said “dude.” Feminists, start sending your letters.
Now statistically, it’s true. Poor people (particularly liberals) donate a lower percentage of their income than middle and upper-class Americans. To be fair, they have less to give… But then I guess it becomes the whole “chicken or the egg” deal. Do they have less to give because they’re stingy/greedy, or are they greedy because they have less to give?
The poor don’t… give enough money to the poor? What? And what does that random Proverb have to do with a goddamn thing? Seems to me the Bible actually addresses the question of poverty and charity pretty directly:
He sat down opposite the treasury and observed how the crowd put money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums. A poor widow also came and put in two small coins worth a few cents. Calling his disciples to himself, he said to them, “Amen, I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the other contributors to the treasury. For they have all contributed from their surplus wealth, but she, from her poverty, has contributed all she had, her whole livelihood. (NAB, Mark 12:41-44)
I agree with Crowder, though, that actions can reflect the heart. So what does writing sarcastic blog posts attacking the least privileged members of society say about his? Oh wait, the Bible has something to say on that, too:
Amen, I say to you, whatever you did to one of these least brothers of mine, that you did unto me. (NAB, Matthew 25:40)
Victoria Jackson comin at ya with one of the least vital “what if…” scenarios ever posited: “If I Were a Guest on the New Joy Behar Show.”
(Applause. The air is titillating. The mood rambunctious. The atmosphere tense. Over the loud speaker we hear, “3, 2, 1 and …”)
Yeah, this is a regular fucking Frost/Nixon situation, here. I’m sure the bored tourists who get lured into Behar’s audience with the promise of free Starbucks would be shaky at the prospect of witnessing a moment of such world-historical import.
Joy: Hello, Victoria. So, I hear you’re a Tea Partier! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, well…
Joy: I suppose you like Sarah Palin! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, well, I love her, she is so…
Joy: She is so dumb! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: No, I don’t think that…
Joy: Just like George Bush. He was an idiot! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, no…he protected…
Ah! Poor Victoria! The free-thinking stalwart is unable to impart reasoned positions like “I love Sarah Palin!” against such a tide of invective and ad hominem! Whither civil discourse?
Joy: Ha, ha! So, I suppose you aren’t a big fan of President Obama!
Victoria: Uh, …Tort Reform.
Joy: Because he is so charismatic, and well spoken and sexy…
Victoria: Tort Reform?!
Joy: And his wife’s arms!! So you don’t like his Health Care Plan because you are a racist?!
Victoria: Tort Reform.
Is Jackson satirizing herself, here? Because, I mean, I totally buy that after 15 seconds of conversation she’d be shouting random talking points. And while Behar’s certainly no bastion of nuanced debate, but her lines here reek of projection. Her exchanges with Hasselbeck were always two-sided lowest-common-denominator partisan shouting matches, and I doubt Jackson’s ever let someone shout her down without giving it back. It’s really interesting how the besieged conservative true believer image is more apparent to her than her own personality.
Joy: See? You are. You didn’t vote for him, did you?!
Victoria: Um… huge tax increase, insured illegals, rationed and low quality health care, lack of doctors, tax funded abortions, collapse of the middle class, death of freedom, Cap ‘n Trade/Tax – Bad, Marxist agenda…
Joy: You don’t just play a ditz on TV! You are a ditz! We’ll be right back after this commercial.
(Hair and Makeup come to the set and tidy up the middle aged faces.)
Joy: So, we’re back with Victoria who does not have a show, and I do! So…why do you hate Obama?!
Victoria: Well, I don’t hate anyone, I’m just concerned about our country becoming…
Joy: He is such a good speaker!
Victoria: … Communist. Van Jones was not an accident. The safe schools’ czar, Kevin Jennings has a gay agenda for our innocent children. Socialized medicine does not work…
Joy: (To camera) You see? I can’t even have one conservative on my show until they start yelling, and cursing, and bitching! What is it with you people?! You are so full of HATE! Remind me, never to have these stupid A–holes on my show again! (To producer off stage) Get me Janeane Garofalo! She is a genius! Jesus!
Victoria: How can you take Jesus’ name in vain if you are Catholic?
Joy: What? Oi Vey! I’m not even Jewish! I’m gonna puke! Take me to a commercial! Save me!
(Applause and fade to commercial
Does no one care about the DEATH OF FREEDOM? You know going in that this type of piece is going to have a moment where Jackson cuts through the liberal! media! bullshit! and speaks truth to, uh, well not power, but a daytime talk show audience.
What I love though, is that, in Jackson’s case, the big reveal is just a stream of random words and names that makes no sense unless (like me) you read third-tier conservative blogs every day.
And I’m genuinely confused by the closing religious dig at Behar. Is she actually Catholic or Jewish? Is she ripping on Behar for converting? Or are the mixed exclamations just supposed to be signs of her general dishonesty? Even I have too much pride to go to Behar’s Wikipedia page.
Also, Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop would like to go on record as having a strong editorial stance in favor of a gay agenda for our innocent schoolchildren.