In Search of Lost Launch Codes

One consistently awesome thing about Big Hollywood is the willingness of Nolte and Breitbart to let their contributors pimp shamelessly for whatever totally embarrassing outside projects they are currently developing.  The shilling doesn’t even follow the time-honored internet traditions of the discreet bio-page link, or the serrupticious “as I argue in my new book…”

No, on Big Hollywood you get entire posts begging for money.

I wanted to pop in here to let “Big Hollywood” readers know about the just-published spy thriller I wrote with my friend Keith Korman. What is it like? Well, think of an episode of “24″ written by Proust. 

Happily for those of us needing a good larf, excerpts are provided.  I recommend reading this Surnowesque, Proustian tour-de-force in full, but here is a brief summary.

The basic plot is that a Mahattan-based, dissolute left-wing journalist (Peter Johnson), who writes for a journal edited by a predatory and impossibly shameless editrix (Josephine von Hildebrand), is sent on a rogue mission to assassinate Iran’s top nuclear scientist by an all-but-forgotten CIA spymaster (Stewart Banquo, of the title). Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and Larry King all make cameo appearances, among many others.

Y’all don’t need me to tell you that the excerpts aren’t much like Proust.  Or even like 24 really.  They’re more like the most boring parts of a mid-career Tom Clancy novel, only peppered with Media Research Center talking points, and more product-placements per sentence than almost any fiction I’ve ever read.  I can’t tell if the product/corporation namedropping is a sort of reverse-Infinite Jest thing, or if they’re actually hoping these companies will send them free shit.  Note:  they will not.

“Unequivocally, no nuke, Larry. What can I say, except what everyone else knows? This is another put-on, another confabulation by the same people who always lust after another good war. What people don’t realize is that Iran’s oil reserves aren’t inexhaustible, and that this government is planning for the future by developing an alternative source of energy. I am told by my sources in the Ministry of Energy that by the year 2015 nearly 20 percent of Iran’s domestic power will be nuclear, and this will preserve oil, this country’s most important source of revenue. Larry, some powerful people in America apparently believe they are the only ones who should be allowed to get rich off of oil.”

Huh-han-huh-Larry bleated out his practiced laugh that was something between a chuckle and a smoker’s cough. Now the tough question, or what passed for it: “Okay, you know this is coming. We’ve got those bloggers claiming you took money from the Hussein government in Iraq back before it fell.”

“But who’s paying them to make those accusations? Web loggers? Why don’t we just call them what they are. Web Liars. Let’s see the proof, Larry. Otherwise it’s just a smear.”

“So no Cypriot vineyards in your portfolio? No stock from the Nigerian Parking Garage Corporation in Lagos?”

“I don’t think so, Larry. I don’t even own a car. And . . . to quote Dracula, ‘I never drink-wine.’”

Larry harrumphed again. “We’ll leave it right there, with Peter Johnson, the controversial journalist, live from . . .” The earpiece went dead. The light switched off. Mohammed-Muhammed emerged from behind the camera and gave him thumbs up, then chuckled and shook his head.

Johnson wiped his forehead and looked at the technician with an open-palmed gesture. “What?”

“You don’t take Saddam’s money?” the technician asked, as he walked beside Johnson toward the door. Then, incredulous: “Why not? Everyone take Saddam’s money. But not you? Hah.” Mohammed- Muhammed threw him an easy, gracious smile, before opening the door and stepping aside to usher his journalist out with a broad sweep of the hand. “I don’t believe you.”

Join the club, Johnson thought.

Mohammed-Muhammed, that scamp!

Know Thine Audience

Today’s banner ad at Big Hollywood, smartly targeting the sexually-repressed-LARPer demo:

Hudnall: Obama Should Be More Like Putin, Chavez, and Ahmadinejad

Imagine Vladamir Putin on a European trip apologizing for Russia invading its neighbors and murdering millions of people in the name of Communism. Imagine Putin saying Russia will never be at war with capitalists, is ashamed of his country’s past treatment of minorities, that they were wrong to send thousands of innocent people to Siberian Gulags for dissent and other trumped up charges, andthat he’s sorry for decimating Chechnya and invading Georgia.

OK, how about this, imagine Hugo Chavez bowing to President Bush or hugging Dick Cheney. Silly, huh?

How about Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad going to Europe and saying, “You know…all that extremist stuff we do, the hanging of gay people, the imprisoning and execution of dissenters, the elimination of women’s rights — that was my predecessors doing. I’m not like that.”

The reason this will never happen is because these men operate from a position of strength. They’re leaders who represent their people as they see fit and believe they are right. Even if a lot of what they do is reprehensible, they have to show the world they stand by their country.

When will Obama start ruling us with an iron fist, already?  One of the best things about the Obama Administration is watching conservatives like the ones at BH try to reconcile their view that all liberals are total wusses with their view that Obama is a diabolical socialist mastermind, set to turn himself into dictator-for-life.  He can’t really be both, guys!

Take My Closest Ally, Please! Part 2

Today, Steven Crowder responds to an unnamed, America-hating StrawCanadian. 

He puts those ungrateful Canadians in their place by pointing out that they “have no significant national defense” and should be glad we don’t just annex them.  Apparently someone has never played Fallout.  That’s the first thing we’d do if shit went down!

Anyway, here is a rundown of the Canadian casualties in Afghanistan, asshole.  I know you think you’re a warrior for Christ or some shit because you put up youtube videos, but it boils the blood when a pampered little prick like you mocks the people who are actually out dying for causes you support. 

Added hilarity ensues when Crowder lists off a bunch of electronics made by the Japanese as evidence of America’s awesomeness.

Take My Closest Ally, Please!

Steven Crowder is back with his unique brand of COMEDY:

I’ll be the first to say it; Barack Obama’s G20 speech inspired me over the past week… I tell you no lies. In the spirit of his apologetic, butt-kissing extravaganza, I felt compelled to make some additional apologies on behalf of our backwards nation. I suggest you all pitch in and add your own. As Americans, we’ve all got a lot to be sorry for… But admitting that we have a problem is the first step towards recovery.

…

To Canada: We’d like to apologize for allowing you to remain a sovereign nation, despite no significant national defense, and the fact that you are of no real benefit to us. Sure, we trade with you… But only because we think that it’s cute.  If your accent weren’t good for a laugh, we’d have made you the 51st state decades ago.  We’ve been arrogant in that our conquering of your land has been a long time coming. Liberals are right … We’re an evil empire and it’s time that we started acting like one.

Dude, were you not paying attention to what happened to your fellow Big Hollywood contributor Greg Gutfeld last week?  

Also, I enjoy how he ascribes the invention/use of the term “evil empire” to liberals.

Don Henley Must Die

Poor Chuck DeVore.  Beset on all sides by nefarious corporate entities controlled by diabolical liberals.  I bet George Soros had something to do with this.

The laughless legions of the left have struck again. Eagles band member Don Henley demanded the removal of my “Hope of November” parody song on YouTube.  YouTube took the music video Obama parody down yesterday after it was approaching 1,000 views.  

1,000 views, people.  He was about to bring down the whole Liberal Establishment.  My shitty blog that’s entirely about your shitty blog has more than 1,000 views, dude.

YouTube rather blandly announced that my First Amendment right to parody was being infringed “…as a result of a third-party notification by Don Henley…”  But I wonder if the behind the scenes muzzler was David Geffen.  Geffen, who’s so far to the left that Hillary Clinton was too conservative for him, owns the label for the “The Boys of Summer.”  Geffen has lawyers, lots of lawyers. 

Damn, I got my liberal moguls who control the universe confused!  Chuck DeVore, I promise you that David Geffen has not spent a single second of his life thinking about your video.

Please donate to DeVore for California.  I really, really, really, want to see this guy win the GOP nomination.  

 

Jack Bauer Does Not Hit the Conveniently-Located Spellcheck Button Before Hitting “Publish”

Jack Bauer Does Not Go Around Apologizing for America

by Jude

Or bowing to Saudi Kings, or acting all Euor-smart while referring to the “Austrian language.”  

While playing Super Mario Brothers 3 on two player mode one day as youngsters, my brother and I discovered an immutable law.  The more trash you talk during the other player’s turn, the more humiliating the circumstance of your next death.  For example, “Way to miss the 1UP, douchebag” means you’ll fuck up and walk right into a pit on your next turn.

Making fun of political gaffes is kind of like that.

TenNapel to World: You Suck

Doug TenNapel is getting more insufferable by the fucking minute.  

Turdstasis

So I was all set to write a post about Joseph Lindsey’s new piece on how Ronald Reagan’s ghost helps Dick Cheney be a good power forward, or something, when, in the course of the painstaking research that goes into each and every quality post at AB:MC, I lighted upon something so shocking, so hilarious, and so fucking raw that I was hesitant to post about it, even though I knew I must.  

Posted below, in full, is the synopsis of the novel Joseph Lindsey is currently shopping, now that those nefarious liberals have totally ruined his glorious movie career:

This Has All Happened Before…

I don’t know what Big Hollywood‘s obsession with tracking late night jokes is.  So they haven’t made fun of Obama much yet!  He hasn’t really done a whole lot yet, and there’s not much COMEDY in credit default swaps.  Crowder suggests teleprompter jokes and comparing Biden to Rainman, but, again, this isn’t humor, this is just talking points presented in a passive-aggressive way.

In any case, people have short memories.  If anything there was more hand-wringing in the late night world when Clinton left office.  At the time it was hard to imagine what Leno could possibly do without Lewinsky joke after Lewinsky joke.  

They managed fine with Bush.  Late night comedy, such that it is, hits only the broadest strokes.  “Bush is dumb,” “Cheney is evil,” “Bill Clinton is slutty,” “Hillary Clinton is frigid” etc etc.  Right now they don’t have that simplistic narrative for Obama.  Don’t worry dude, they will find one.  Even you will be sick of it by the end.

And complaining about Stewart not making fun of Obama?  A) Actually, he does that more than you’d expect, and B) Did you expect Stewart to go conservative all of the sudden?  You can complain about him not making fun of Obama when Bill O’Reilly starts making impassioned arguments for expanding Obama’s executive power.