Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop

Cow Towing to Other Countries

In Search of Lost Launch Codes

leave a comment »

marcel_proustOne consistently awesome thing about Big Hollywood is the willingness of Nolte and Breitbart to let their contributors pimp shamelessly for whatever totally embarrassing outside projects they are currently developing.  The shilling doesn’t even follow the time-honored internet traditions of the discreet bio-page link, or the serrupticious “as I argue in my new book…”

No, on Big Hollywood you get entire posts begging for money.

I wanted to pop in here to let “Big Hollywood” readers know about the just-published spy thriller I wrote with my friend Keith Korman. What is it like? Well, think of an episode of “24″ written by Proust. 

Happily for those of us needing a good larf, excerpts are provided.  I recommend reading this Surnowesque, Proustian tour-de-force in full, but here is a brief summary.

The basic plot is that a Mahattan-based, dissolute left-wing journalist (Peter Johnson), who writes for a journal edited by a predatory and impossibly shameless editrix (Josephine von Hildebrand), is sent on a rogue mission to assassinate Iran’s top nuclear scientist by an all-but-forgotten CIA spymaster (Stewart Banquo, of the title). Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and Larry King all make cameo appearances, among many others.

Y’all don’t need me to tell you that the excerpts aren’t much like Proust.  Or even like 24 really.  They’re more like the most boring parts of a mid-career Tom Clancy novel, only peppered with Media Research Center talking points, and more product-placements per sentence than almost any fiction I’ve ever read.  I can’t tell if the product/corporation namedropping is a sort of reverse-Infinite Jest thing, or if they’re actually hoping these companies will send them free shit.  Note:  they will not.

“Unequivocally, no nuke, Larry. What can I say, except what everyone else knows? This is another put-on, another confabulation by the same people who always lust after another good war. What people don’t realize is that Iran’s oil reserves aren’t inexhaustible, and that this government is planning for the future by developing an alternative source of energy. I am told by my sources in the Ministry of Energy that by the year 2015 nearly 20 percent of Iran’s domestic power will be nuclear, and this will preserve oil, this country’s most important source of revenue. Larry, some powerful people in America apparently believe they are the only ones who should be allowed to get rich off of oil.”

Huh-han-huh-Larry bleated out his practiced laugh that was something between a chuckle and a smoker’s cough. Now the tough question, or what passed for it: “Okay, you know this is coming. We’ve got those bloggers claiming you took money from the Hussein government in Iraq back before it fell.”

“But who’s paying them to make those accusations? Web loggers? Why don’t we just call them what they are. Web Liars. Let’s see the proof, Larry. Otherwise it’s just a smear.”

“So no Cypriot vineyards in your portfolio? No stock from the Nigerian Parking Garage Corporation in Lagos?”

“I don’t think so, Larry. I don’t even own a car. And . . . to quote Dracula, ‘I never drink-wine.’”

Larry harrumphed again. “We’ll leave it right there, with Peter Johnson, the controversial journalist, live from . . .” The earpiece went dead. The light switched off. Mohammed-Muhammed emerged from behind the camera and gave him thumbs up, then chuckled and shook his head.

Johnson wiped his forehead and looked at the technician with an open-palmed gesture. “What?”

“You don’t take Saddam’s money?” the technician asked, as he walked beside Johnson toward the door. Then, incredulous: “Why not? Everyone take Saddam’s money. But not you? Hah.” Mohammed- Muhammed threw him an easy, gracious smile, before opening the door and stepping aside to usher his journalist out with a broad sweep of the hand. “I don’t believe you.”

Join the club, Johnson thought.

Mohammed-Muhammed, that scamp!


Written by dieblucasdie

April 11, 2009 at 9:54 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: