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They Make Take Our Lives, But They Will Never Take Our Dadrock

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Man, what is with conservative columnists having epiphanies about AMERICA while dragging their kids to museum-of-boomer-rock shows?  First David Brooks tossed his advanced degrees in the gutter in favor the “emotional education” given to him by Bruce Springsteen (yeah, I don’t know what the fuck he was talking about either), and now Big Hollywood’s Joseph F. Connor has learned, with some help from Tom Petty, that everything about America statehood is awesome, except for, you know, the American government, which is evil.

I have never heard Tom Petty talk politics. When it comes to performers, that generally is a good thing.

Connor really hates it when musicians get all political.  That is the WORST.  He’d like to sit at home and vibe on “Soak Up the Sun,” but instead he’s got to listen to all these terrible NUGE records to maintain his pristine conservative earspace.  Now that Connor’s done admonishing artists for having political views and speaking about them, he’s going to spend the next few hundred words straining to read a political message into a Tom Petty song (spoiler: it lines up perfectly with his own ideology!  Who would have thought?):

Last week my wife and I took our kids, 13 and 11, to see Petty and the Heartbreakers…

As the band played “Refugee” I couldn’t help but focus on the audience, including my children, singing in unison “everybody’s got to fight to be free.” Like many Petty lyrics, its a simple, direct, powerful line; easily repeated but probably rarely internalized.

Dude, next time just let little Johnny and Susie go see Soulja Boy like they wanted to.  Or get a sitter and just take your wife; she deserves a night out if she’s dealing with preteens belting out “Refugee” around the house.

We, as Americans, do have to fight to be free.

Who am I supposed to be fighting again?  The British?  The concept of tyranny?  I guess terrorists, maybe, but that’s not something “we, as Americans” all have to deal with.  It’s not like those guys are running up all in my and Joseph F. Connor’s grills, personally, telling us we can’t do stuff.  Just for you, Joseph F. Connor, next time a jihadist comes up to me all, “Hey, dieblucasdie, stop being free,” I’mna punch that guy and sing “You Don’t Know How It Feels” to him.

The upcoming generations need to understand that. Our grandparents had to fight to be free of Nazism. Our parents and my generation (though we can discuss The Who at another time) fought to be free of Soviet style communism.

But for this generation and the at least the next, not only do we have to fight to be free of radical Islam but more insidiously we have to fight to be free from the tyranny of our own federal and even local governments’ designs on our liberty. We, who are parents, have a responsibility to educate our children. Our freedoms are threatened by those within and without.

Oh, I see, it’s my local aldermen I should be punching.  He isn’t clear about which liberties my local government might have “designs” on, so how am I supposed to educate the kids?

We must teach our children about the Declaration, the Constitution, our God given individual rights, the brilliance, morality, sacrifice, and bravery of our forefathers and instill in our kids the motivation to become active participants in guaranteeing their own freedoms. Pink Floyd asked, “Mother, should I trust the government?” The answer is “no.” It is filled with too many people who would gladly step in and decide our freedoms for us.

I’ve often wondered how the paranoid anti-government right manages to reconcile such an intense distrust of American institutions with a stringent, no-caveat dedication to American exceptionalism/American nationalism.  My pet theory has always been, “They just don’t think about both at the same time,” but here’s Connor, disproving it.  For him, hatred of American government isn’t just compatible with true American patriotism, it is American patriotism’s defining feature.  Oh, whatever, let’s just go watch some VH-1 Classics.

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Finished With My Woman ‘Cause She Couldn’t Help Me With My Mind

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Victoria Jackson with her Eurovision entry for this year:

It seems these days
I’m in a haze,
And I can’t concentrate on things,
Don’t eat or sleep,
Feel incomplete,
And kinda scared and creepy.

I look over my shoulder lots
And shudder when I watch TV.
I bite my nails and cuticles
And watch my words very carefully.
I bite my lip a lot
And fidget with the buttons on my blouse.
Why?
…BECAUSE THERE’S A COMMUNIST LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!

I’m jittery, my teeth I grate
I twitch, I shake, I ruminate
Lately I’m perplexed and pinched
In pain, I pout and ponder.

Why aren’t people shocked or something,
Why aren’t people up in arms?
Does anyone read history?
Or see red flags, or hear alarms?
The streets are filled with deaf and dumb
As I squeal like a mouse,
“THERE”S A COMMUNIST LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!”

My husband really misses me.
My parents think I’ve gone crazy.
Only Glenn Beck understands me,
And, of course, Sean Hannity.
But, it seems, besides us three,
And the nice people who drink the Tea,
There’s no one else who can see
THE COMMUNIST LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!

Maybe I have lost my mind,
Or have been drugged by some narcotic.
Maybe I’m watching a movie called 1984
Or maybe I am just psychotic.
If I’m in a dream, fast asleep
I guess I will just try to keep
My eyes shut ’til this goes away
And I awake to a happier day
When my ukulele does not play
This dire song of distress and dismay
Called…THERE’S A COMMUNIST LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!

What I love about Jackson is how completely unconcerned she is with actual politics.  She doesn’t care about policy, she doesn’t care about the crass horse-race mechanics, she doesn’t even really care about half-baked conspiracy theories.  Her entire engagement with the political sphere begins and ends with some guys on the TV telling her to be afraid, so she’s afraid.  There’s zero political content in the above; it’s all about her fear.

She is like a parody of a parody of a Michael Moore strawman.  It’s pretty startling and saddening that someone like her actually exists.  If I were John Nolte I’d be embarrassed.

He’s No Sam Waterston

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Oh hey, look who’s joined Big Hollywood‘s stable of right-leaning, uh, celebrities!  It’s ADA Ben Stone!  I’m starting to wonder what it is about Law & Order that attracts actors with such a bizarre version of conservative politics.

As long, disjointed and just-plum-loco as ADA Ben Stone’s inaugural post is, there’s something about it that I find, well, cute.  Maybe it’s the general first-day-of-school icebreaker feel (“Hi everybody!  I’m Mikey!  I like Ronald Reagan and Glenn Beck but I HATE communists.  They’re so stupid!  I bet my little sister is a communist!”).

Or maybe it’s the novelty of seeing a far-right crazy person who seems to think it’s still 1951.  It’s almost like a creative writing assignment:  “What would a paranoid conservative blog posting look like if they’d had the internet during the early days of the Cold War?”  So much of this blog is devoted to smarmy fratboy wankers who think Obama’s the Beast from Revelations, here to institute compulsory sodomy and abort every non-Muslim fetus, that there’s something charming about a little bald dude still wringing his hands over all those Hollywood Jews on the Soviet payroll.

What does Big Hollywood mean?

Is it a tribute or in-house sarcasm?

So far I only know Big Hollywood’s politics as counter-revolutionary conservative – and if I’m wrong, Andrew and John, please correct me … and that’s why I’m here … as a pro-life libertarian … a category I’ve been in long before I even heard of the name Glenn Beck.

I’m here to try stemming the Revolutionary Tide that has been rising in larger and larger waves from the shores of 18th Century France when the guillotine gave its deadly review to the court of Louis XVI; and subsequently the communes of Paris eventually threaded their legendary grand guignolthrough the minds of Karl Marx, Vladimir Ilytch Lenin, Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse Tung.

So here I am … in Big Hollywood … clutching my memories of the American Declaration of Independence and its words: “All men are created equal.”

It always seems bizarre when conservatives try to style themselves as part of a Burkean tradition.  It’s one thing to point out the excesses of the French Revolution, but to go all out and side with Louis XVI?  And you gotta love Stone expressing his hatred for the “Revolutionary Tide” (a force so sinister it deserves to be both capitalized and italicized), by quoting a document that initiated a revolution.

No, my dear Progressives, Americans were not intended to be gestated as possible candidates for abortion … despite what Chris Matthews of MSNBC infers.

Recently, in the best French Revolutionary tradition, that enlightened despot rode roughshod over a rather royal member of the Catholic Church who was defending Rome’s decision to excommunicate a Kennedy for supporting abortion.

Hmmm … Mr. Matthews kept hammering the poor Roman Prince over what the penalties would be for abortion … should Roe v Wade be overturned … with the inferential reminders of Catholic Inquisitional sadism … and the “Robe” took the bait and folded.

I conclude that the penalties for abortion should be “probational,” periods of close observation on all three corners involved: the mother, the father and the doctor/abortionist. If abortions become chronicwith these citizens under close observation … perhaps jail time would be the only effective deterrent.

OK, so a quick rundown of the factual errors in this section:

1) Kennedy has not been excommunicated or even threatened with excommunication.  He was asked not to take Communion.  It’s unclear if he would have actually been denied Communion had he chosen to ignore this request.

2) The order didn’t come from the Vatican, it came from a US bishop.

3) Chris Matthews is not, in fact, more powerful than the Catholic Church.

4)  Why the fuck is “reminders” italicized?

To recap the ideological stance here:  abortion is murder, guys.  It is so much like murder that the sentence for it should be probation.  Unless it’s chronic.  I am so down with this new conservative “get one murder free” policy.  Now that’s some libertarianism I can get behind!  Tell me who you will use your free murder on in the comments!  As for me, well, Asher Roth better sleep with one eye fucking open.

But hold up, DA Ben Stone is about to go from LULZ to WTF:

In the 1940’s, the possible jail penalties certainly didn’t keep my parents, a surgeon and his alcoholic wife, from having two illegal abortions, cardinal illegalities.

I was informed of those facts at the rather dumbfounded age of 10.

“My parents had two of my siblings murdered?!”

No one was arrested … because no one knew … except for my equally stunned sister and myself.

Divorces are a war zone, of course … but divorce after two abortions … for the surviving children … is a Holocaust zone.

With an actual lifetime of survivor’s guilt … ranking second only to the Irish predisposition for alcoholism … I’m surprised I’ve done as well as I have … thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous … and the words, “Let go, let God!”

Now here I am back in not just Hollywood but Big Hollywood!

What a journey!

Another quick fact-check for Mr. Stone:  most (but not all) bloggers were not aborted as fetuses.  Having a rough childhood does not make you a Holocaust survivor.  Not being aborted as a fetus does not make you a Holocaust survivor.

And, I mean, clearly Stone’s family situation was messed-up.  Does he think that jail time for his parents would’ve helped matters?  Or, alternatively, the government forcing his mother to bring two more children into that situation?  There’s not any easy answers in a case like that.  Which is why, you know, it should be the woman’s choice and not the government’s.  I shouldn’t have to be explaining this to a self-identified “libertarian.”

Ugh.  At least Stone gets back on track though:

What are my plans with the coming articles?

To track my personal experience with the former Soviet Russia’s undeniable strategy, its unrelenting efforts to Communize all of theater and film in the United States.

Again with the freaking italics.  And… “personal experiences”?  Did he infiltrate the KGB or some shit?  Does he even realize that Soviet Russia doesn’t exist anymore?  I can’t wait for these posts.

Finally, we are actually choking in the debt-ridden quagmires placed under us so that Lenin and Stalin … and Castro and Chavez… and Mao and Pol Pot … and Osama bin Laden can all see their evil vindicated by history and Hollywood … highlighted to eternity by the fall of the United States to world Communism … our nation’s suicidal, deaf and dumbly naïve surrender to the Red/Islamic game plan now being heralded in Hollywood, Chicago, New York and Washington D. C. … yet smugly bandied about in White House dinner parties as the “Progressive World Government.”

Ah yes, bin Laden, that pinko commie scum.  I thought people like Stone had more or less died out, even on the right.  Everything he dislikes is part of a worldwide communist plot.  I can’t wait for the nuanced version!

Jesus Only Healed Lepers Who Were Referred By Their Primary Care Physicians

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Now, I’ve already wasted much of my precious youth documenting the various ways in which Big Hollywood‘s Steven Crowder is a total dick.  He links to racial statistics provided by hate groups, insults key American allies, brutalizes his imaginary/future children, will happily turn any argument into a wang-measuring contest, and peppers his writing with more random scare quotes than anyone this side of Alfonso Rachel.

But even given the high bar he’s already set for presumption, callousness, intellectual incuriosity, and wounded masculinity, his writing on religion never fails make my jaw drop.

Poll after poll, the United States ranks as the most “God-fearing” nation on the planet. Good on us! Whether you believe in God or not, it’s tough to deny the reality of Christian principles being an intricate part of our country’s historical fabric.

One has to ask themselves however, as arguably the last “Christian nation” around, why were our Founders so adamant about keeping the Feds grimy paws out of our churches?

Why indeed!  I would think they did it to foster religious freedom and avoid repeating Europe’s history of bloody religious conflict.  But no, Steven Crowder is here to set me straight:

There’s no doubt that the Founding Fathers were deeply spiritual men (and when I say spiritual, I mean in the Judeo-Christian sense, not in the Disney/Pray-to-colors-of-the-wind type silliness). With that being said, could it be that they wanted to separate church and state, in order to PRESERVE the Christian principles that built this country?

Think about it. When has government successfully forced people to do ANYTHING that they didn’t already want to do? From forced “integration” in Detroit, to putting a tax on a morning breakfast beverage, the results have always been disastrous.

OH.  I SEE.  The Founding Fathers would’ve liked an iron-fisted theocracy, but were so sure the government they were in the process of setting up would be comically ineffectual that they decided not to bother.

And, uh, I can think of a lot of things that the government successfully forces people to do.  I mean, I’d rather just blow through that 4-way stop on my way to the grocery store, where I’d rather not pay sales tax on my tin of Maxwell House morning breakfast beverage, but hey, government.

Silly, government, with your “taxes” and “civil rights enforcement,” when will you learn that people are hateful cheapskates?

But hold up, it’s about to get real good:

A freedom-saturated environment is conducive to the growth of faith in God. I’m guessing that might be why our Founding Fathers were much more “spirit” rather than “letter of the law” Christians like their English counterparts.

You know who else felt the same way… Jesus.

No, really. Jesus was forthright with his whole “I am the way, the truth and the light” deal (heck he was even crucified for it), but ultimately, the man left the decision up to us.

I guess what I’m wondering now is, if the Son of Man never felt the need to force anything down our throat… Where does our government get off thinking that they can?

All the messianic stuff surrounding Obama is blasphemous, but Thomas Jefferson?  That dude was JUST LIKE JESUS.

Also, you know, right after the “light of the world” thing, Jesus says this:

Do not think I have come to abolish the law and the prophets.  I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.  Amen, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law. (NAB, Mt 5:17-18)

But the best line of the piece is here:

Americans don’t want universal health care, we’re getting it.

Uh, Americans do want universal health care and we’re not getting it.  I mean, I kind of want to live in the conservative-alternate-reality where a Democratic Congress is cramming through a single-payer bill.  He… he’s knows that’s not remotely what’s happening, right?

If freedom has generally bred positive choices, one would have to wonder what comes of statism. Historically, all signs point towards revolution. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, even though the muskets would be fun to have.

Crowder loves the system the Founders set up so much that he’s willing to foment armed rebellion against it.  Now that’s patriotism!

Written by dieblucasdie

November 20, 2009 at 7:35 pm

Stay Classy, James Hudnall

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GET IT? SHE’S LIKE THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST BECAUSE SHE HAS MINIONS THAT CLEAN UP MESSES.

WAIT THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

OK, I MEAN, SHE’S LIKE THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST BECAUSE SHE’S A WOMAN PARTICIPATING IN THE PUBLIC SPHERE.

NEXT WEEK I’M THINKING OF HAVING HER BE A SHREW, BATTON CAN DRAW SOME SWEET WHISKERS.

OR MAYBE I’LL MAKE SOME MENSTRUATION  JOKES.  WOMEN WHO ARE DEMOCRATS ARE ALWAYS ACTING LIKE THEY ARE ON THEIR PERIODS.

Written by dieblucasdie

November 15, 2009 at 11:26 pm

Victoria Jackson Wants You to Stop Snitching

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I haven’t covered any of washed-up-even-by-ex-SNLer-standards comedienne Victoria Jackson’s posts on Big Hollywood yet, mainly because, politics aside, they just don’t make any goddamn sense.  My bread-and-butter is pieces that compare Republican politicians to sci-fi characters, or discuss the religious significance of teen popstars.  What the fuck am I supposed to do with something like this?

I’m doing standup in Denver. Shelley is driving me from radio to radio to TV as I do the monkey dance at each station promoting the show, selling tickets. I don’t like this part of the job. I must answer the same 10 questions about Saturday Night Live and try to explain where I’ve been for the last fifteen years. All the DJ’s want are some juicy stories about celebrities. I don’t really have that many. I’m booked at two political talk stations, a rock station, a country station, and two local TV shows.  I guess that’s my demographic! Everyone! I ask Shelley why I’m booked on the political stations. She shrugs, “Well, we didn’t really know…isn’t that what you are doing now?” The first stop I’m told is a “just right of center” show, so I feel free to share my newest shocking information that the White House is asking us to “snitch’” on our friends and family. To report anything “fishy.” This news is so abhorrent to me that I could barely sleep the night before. I immediately emailed Andrew Breitbart to see if it was true. He said yes. I searched the hotel computer web to see if the big shots, the smart people have gotten on this. They were just starting to fight back. The news was so new. Well, at least this administration is entertaining…in a bad way. I’m watching a horror movie every day.

It’s like Meghan McCain tried recreate On the Road after smoking some weed she didn’t realize was laced with PCP.  I feel weird just doing a straight-up refutation of some of the linkless claims she makes (why check the newswire when you can just send an e-mail to Andrew Breitbart!), but here goes nothing.  The “snitch” program is, unsurprisingly, nothing of the sort.  What the White House did is ask people to send in misinformation being spread about Health Care, so they can debunk it on their website, something Obama’s been doing on various issues since the early days of his campaign.  That’s it.  They didn’t ask for names, and no one is collecting names.

This doesn’t stop Jackson from freaking the fuck out, though, imagining the government death squads coming for her.  Seriously:

I scour the internet and find that the conservative big shots are now fully engaged in this battle against our government.  I send in two emails to flag@whitehouse.gov. I figure I’m already on their “list.” One of my emails says, “Is this a joke?”  One says, “How dare you attack our Freedom of Speech!  Stop the Snitch Program!  It’s illegal!” So, you see, I’m really, really on their “list.”   I’m wondering what will happen to the people on “the list.”  Audit? Jail? Death?  I’m starting to feel exactly the same as the Soviets and the Cubans.  I now understand perfectly why they risked their lives heading to Miami on rafts. The fear is palpable.  The invisible oppression of being watched.  The White House is trying to intimidate my fellow Americans from speaking out, from asking questions about this Socialized Medicine.  Nancy Pelosi is on TV saying we wear swastikas! What planet is she from?  It’s all a jumble of anger and fear and lies. My country.

Well, you know, they did display swastikas at the protests/rallies Pelosi was talking about.  And maybe Jackson’s just angry that Obama isn’t starting a REAL snitch program.  In any case, I think it’s safe to say that only “list” Jackson likely landed herself on is the whitehouse.gov spam filter.

I don’t want to quote the full piece here, so I’ll let you, gentle reader, click through and discover the bizarre middle-section involving Weird Al, Jessica Hahn, and Kurt Cobain for yourself.  And the great bit where she shifts gears to talk about Gatesgate and how she loves all cops.  Yes, right after complaining about the government watching her, she espouses her love for cops.

I’ll just leave you with this:

Onstage, I try out a new song, “White Men,” dedicated to Sonja [sic] Sotomayer [sic].  One audience loves it.  One is completely silent.  I decide to skip the song for the rest of the shows.  After the show, one lady comes up to me and grasps my hand in both of hers.  She whispers, “Thank you so much for speaking up, about our country.”  Her eyes look deep into mine. I feel like we have both scratched the fish symbol into the sand, during the Roman Empire times. The fall of the Roman Empire.

And point out that A) cultural conservatism as religion, that’s some creepy-ass shit right there and B) I’m no historian, but the Christians definitely did not bring down the Roman Empire.  I mean, at least not on purpose.

What Would Judah Maccabee Do?

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As long as Skip Press has us basing our lives around the actions of random Biblical figures, I think it’s a fair question.  I’ll tell you what he’d do.  He would FUCK shit UP.  Jepthah?  He’d BREAK some SKULLS.  Jeroboam?  Time to SLIT some THROATS.  CAPS.

There is a Biblical parallel in what is going on in America. It’s the story of Joseph, from Genesis in the Bible. Here are the main points, in case you missed Sunday school or never read the story that is generally held to be historical fact.

By whom, exactly, is a story that has ancient Canaanites living to the age of 130 “generally held to be historical fact”?  

Anyway, Press goes on to tell the story of Genesis 37-47, offering along the way a tortured analogy where, and I’m not exaggerating, Ronald Reagan (or a combo of Reagan/Thatcher/JP2/Gingrich) is Joseph, the American people are Pharaoh, Nancy Pelosi is Potiphar’s wife, the Democrats are Joseph’s brothers, California is Egypt, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Democrat.  I don’t want to quote it in full because it’s long, but go ahead and read it; it makes about as much sense as it sounds.  

Then there’s this:

It’s fine to speak out about the current administration’s outrages that are a march toward socialism, which is an enslavement that sours the soul while proclaiming the grand benefits of collectivism yet always benefits only those running the society into the ground. That’s not what we need to solve our problems. Most of our brothers’ principles are so crazy they’re only believed by Hollywood actors who often didn’t even finish high school.

Per Genesis 47:13-26, here is the land policy Joseph instituted during the famine (which Press compares to the current economic crisis):

13 Now there was no food in all the land, because the famine was very severe, so that the land of Egypt and the land of Canaan languished because of the famine.

13 Now there was no food in all the land, because the famine was very severe, so that the land of Egypt and the land of Canaan languished because of the famine.  14 And Joseph gathered all the money that was found in the land of Egypt and in the land of Canaan for the grain which they bought, and Joseph brought the money into Pharaoh’s house.  15 And when the money was all spent in the land of Egypt and in the land of Canaan, all the Egyptians came to Joseph and said, “Give us food, for why should we die in your presence? For our money is gone.”  16 Then Joseph said, “Give up your livestock, and I will give you food for your livestock, since your money is gone.”  17 So they brought their livestock to Joseph, and Joseph gave them food in exchange for the horses and the flocks and the herds and the donkeys; and he fed them with food in exchange for all their livestock that year.  18 And when that year was ended, they came to him the next year and said to him, “We will not hide from my lord that our money is all spent, and the cattle are my lord’s. There is nothing left for my lord except our bodies and our lands.  19 “Why should we die before your eyes, both we and our land? Buy us and our land for food, and we and our land will be slaves to Pharaoh. So give us seed, that we may live and not die, and that the land may not be desolate.”  

20 So Joseph bought all the land of Egypt for Pharaoh, for every Egyptian sold his field, because the famine was severe upon them. Thus the land became Pharaoh’s.  21 And as for the people, he removed them to the cities from one end of Egypt’s border to the other.  22 Only the land of the priests he did not buy, for the priests had an allotment from Pharaoh, and they lived off the allotment which Pharaoh gave them. Therefore, they did not sell their land.

23 Then Joseph said to the people, “Behold, I have today bought you and your land for Pharaoh; now, here is seed for you, and you may sow the land.  24 “And at the harvest you shall give a fifth to Pharaoh, and four-fifths shall be your own for seed of the field and for your food and for those of your households and as food for your little ones.”  25 So they said, “You have saved our lives! Let us find favor in the sight of my lord, and we will be Pharaoh’s slaves.”  26 And Joseph made it a statute concerning the land of Egypt valid to this day, that Pharaoh should have the fifth; only the land of the priests did not become Pharaoh’s.