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Please, Can We Move On to the Next Crappy Meme, Already?

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i-would-rather-be-golfing-bumper-stickers-783004Sigh.  I’m getting too old for this shit.  Big Hollywood is just going to keep harping on the DHS rightwing extremist threat assessment aren’t they?

John Simpson ain’t Erasmus, and his satire today (which, characteristically, isn’t really a satire at all, but a pouty-faced exercise in passive-aggression) focuses on the douchiest form of political speech: the bumper sticker.

First, Right-Wing Extremists are often known to display their radical sympathies on bumper stickers. This could be as simple a matter as a Confederate flag on a pickup truck, but often involves stated extremist messages like ABORTION KILLS, BABIES ARE NOT SPARE PARTS (they are), and ADOPTION: THE CARING OPTION (it isn’t, spare parts is).

In this instance, it is best to keep a safe distance and follow the unsub’s vehicle, to where fellow right-wing extremists of like mind are no doubt plotting their next abortion clinic massacre.

In the case of bumper stickers like I’D RATHER BE TRIED BY TWELVE THAN CARRIED BY SIX, or I’LL GIVE YOU MY GUN WHEN YOU TAKE IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS, once again, keep a safe distance and follow the unsub’s vehicle to the Timothy McVeigh-influenced militia group of which they are a part.

If you see bumper stickers such as WHAT PART OF ILLEGAL DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, AMNESTY SUCKS or SPEAK ENGLISH, these messages indicate strong nationalist, and most likely racist, tendencies of the unsubs driving these vehicles.

Actually, they do indicate nationalism pretty clearly.

I’ve already covered the completely, utterly innocuous DHS publication that started all this pearl-clutching, so I won’t rehash that here, except to make one small point that I haven’t yet.  


Though you may encounter some extremist-appearing bumper stickers like KILL BUSH, NO BLOOD FOR OIL, WHO WOULD JESUS TORTURE, WAR IS NOT PRO-LIFE, LA RAZA, BILL AYERS IS THE BOMB or bumper stickers that bear the Aztlan or ‘reconquista’ emblem, ignore them.

Now, this all started thanks to a Washington Times piece that John Romano linked to.  The Times is Breitbart’s employer, and, clearly, no bastion of mamby-pamby liberalism.  Even the Times, though, freely admits that DHS does, in fact, release threat assessments on left-wing extremist groups as well.

In January, the same DHS office released a report titled “Leftwing extremists likely to increase use of cyber attacks over the coming decade.”

“These types of reports are published all the time. There have actually been some done on the other end of the spectrum, left-wing,” Ms. Kuban said.

So, you know, not only have Simpson, Romano, and Jena not read the actual report they are hyperventilating about, they haven’t even read the entire Washington Times red-meat piece about it.


Just Because You’re Paranoid Doesn’t Mean They’re Not After You

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easy-to-readJohn Romano manages, for the first time, not to link to his myspacemusic page in his piece today about a nefarious Department of Homeland Security report on rightwing extremist groups.


Today the Washington Times printed an article about Obama’s DHS crew releasing a report about, and plans to step up efforts to watch, “Right Wing Radical extremists.”  Interesting that this is released just before the Tea Parties are scheduled to happen across America.

From the article itself:

A footnote attached to the report by the Homeland Security Office of Intelligence and Analysis defines “rightwing extremism in the United States” as including not just racist or hate groups, but also groups that reject federal authority in favor of state or local authority.

“It may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single-issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration,” the warning says.

Notice the clever use of “immigration” instead of “illegal immigration.”  


Look, if you’re going to comment publicly on a specific government publication, maybe you should, you know, read it.  It’s here (pdf). It contains a section titled “Illegal Immigration,” in giant bold letters.  It uses the phrases “illegal immigration” and “illegal immigrants” repeatedly.  

That footnote quoted by The Washington Times  is a benign attempt to define “rightwing extremism” for the purposes of clairty, since the assessment goes on to take great pains in consistently pointing out that the vast majority of what it defines as “rightwing extremism” is constitutionally protected speech.  Romano:

This is just one step closer to the normative labeling of anyone that disagrees vocally with the Obama administration as extremist.  Speak out heavily against illegal immigration; be careful you could be tagged as a right-wing extremist.  Listen to Rush Limbaugh; be careful you could be tagged as a right-wing extremist.

The section on illegal immigration is entirely concerned with white supremacist militia groups using the immigration issue as a recruiting tool.  From the report:


Over the past five years, various rightwing extremists, including militias and white supremacists, have adopted the immigration issue as a call to action, rallying point, and recruiting tool.

Debates over appropriate immigration levels and enforcement policygenerally fall within the realm of protected political speech under the First Amendment, but in some cases, anti-immigration or strident pro-enforcement fervor has been directed against specific groups and has the potential to turn violent.


The assessment then goes on to list specific hate crimes carried out by various militia groups.  Rush Limbaugh is not mentioned (though he did call for riots at the DNC last year).  

Finally, here is the report’s key finding, in bold letters right at the top:


Threats from white supremacist and violent antigovernment groups during 2009 have been largely rhetorical and have not indicated plans to carry out violent acts.


Run, John Romano!  The Obama Gestapo is coming for you any minute!  Take to the hills!  WOLVERIIIINES!


Written by dieblucasdie

April 15, 2009 at 6:31 am

A Spot of the Ol’ Ultraviolence

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mt1112830159Steven Crowder offers a stirring apologia for solving problems with your fists

 When my kid comes home with his first bully problem, I won’t be leaving him ill-prepared for the world by giving him the old sissified, “Well, you need to use your words” speech. I’ll lay it down for him bluntly (as my dad did for me and as all parents should):

“Listen, son. You can go tell your teachers, but they won’t do very much and the kid’s probably just going to bully you even more. The same goes for the school Principal and the PTA. What you need to do, is walk right up to that punk, and punch him in the nose as hard as you possibly can. Now come, let me teach you a couple of take-downs.”

Preaching the wonders of properly-employed use of force to our kids is not only honest… It’s our duty in preparing them for the real world. If you think I’m wrong… Well, you’re probably a pansy, so what do I care?

I feel really, really sorry for this guy’s kids.  Their father will have the dude from Yes, Dear‘s parenting philosophy and Ryan Seacrest’s hair.  Fuck.  

And what’s up with the Hobbesian world-view?  If violence is truly the only real currency, then why the fuck are we bothering with civilization?

Listen, violence freed the slaves, took down the axis of evil and still manages to fix every remote control that I’ve ever owned. More recently, the use of force quickly brought an end to the escapades of a few Somali jackasses. Three shots fired, three men dead… And there was much rejoicing. To those of you still teaching the “violence doesn’t solve problems” myth to your kids… What are you thinking? Does anyone out there truly believe this insane rhetoric?

Does Steven Crowder even realize that two of the three members of the axis of evil are still doing quite well?  And if he was in favor of violence to “free the slaves,” then clearly he’d be on the side of black militants in the ’60s, right?

And then there’s this

Does anyone here honestly think that “Seung-Hi Choi” went on his Virginia-Tech shooting spree after getting fired up at an NRA rally? 

He put scare-quotes around the dude’s fucking name.  Look at all those vowels!  These liberals think this constitutes a proper name!

Written by dieblucasdie

April 15, 2009 at 5:55 am

Tell It To Gary Graham’s Motherfuckin’ Cannon

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50cent-gunsWhile I do favor some common-sense gun laws, I’m not a very good SOCIALIST in that I’m not particularly interested in severely restricting the sale and the possession of most guns.  I mean, I’m a native Montanan and a borderline anarchist besides; I’m like one Huckabee administration away from holing up in some sort of mountain fortress anyhow.

There’s a difference, though, between asserting gun ownership as a fundamental liberty and bulwark against tyranny, and actually advocating that all citizens arm themselves.

Beyond the inevitable, yet ultimately meaningless, questions of why he did it, there’s a much more important question we should be asking ourselves:  What if one or more of those innocent civilians had been packing, and was trained, and drew his or her gun…and shot back? 

Things may have turned out very differently.

What is needed, now more than ever, is for Americans to pull their heads out of their tails and become proficient with firearms.  And then, having gained competency with their safe usage, arm themselves.   And then, having armed themselves, be prepared to deploy those arms in the responsible defense of innocent life. 

Guns stop crime.

Really?  The only possible solution to mass shootings you can come up with is “everybody should arm themselves to the teeth”?  Yes, I’m sure turning mass shootings in mass shootouts will totally protect against the loss of innocent life. 

Now…  I understand this is anathema to many on the Left…and probably some on the Right.   Fantasies of ‘the Wild, Wild West‘ roam through their minds; people brandishing guns at the least provocation, shootouts in the streets, neighbors drawing down on each other if one refuses to turn down the music or take in their trash cans.  And sure, there are exceptions to every rule…parts of the Middle East come to mind…

But in civilized society, this saying largely holds true.  An armed society is a polite society.  There is something that comes over a person once they, A) have been highly trained in one or more of the firearms skills, and B) are armed with a gun.   One’s countenance steadies.  Your very carriage changes.  You become a model citizen; because along with the actual physical training of gun handling and manipulation, safety awareness, loading, malfunction clearance, and general marksmanship…comes education.   Legal, civil, ethical…and moral.  

It kind of undermines your whole “a gun is just a tool” argument when you talk about how staying strapped makes you feel like a Real Man.  If it’s all about a feeling of self-possession and power, as opposed to cold, hard pragmatism, how can you really be trusted to use it responsibly? 

Am I advocating breaking the law?  Yes.  I’m advocating civil disobedience.  In support of the Law of Moral Common Sense.   I’m not a vigilante.  But I am prepared to risk criminal prosecution in order to defend innocent life.  Concealed-carry permits are almost all but impossible to get in Los Angeles currently, even to a model citizen who is also highly trained in the use of firearms like myself.  So do I have a concealed carry permit?  Yeah – it’s called the 2nd Amendment.

“The competent deployment of a gun, on scales both personal and national, is the guarantor of our freedom.” – Gary Graham

Yeah, you’re a regular fucking Gandhi.  People who use quotations from themselves to bolster arguments are exactly the sort of people I want running around with concealed weapons.

I hope you shoot yourself in the foot, you fucking douche. -dieblucasdie 

Written by dieblucasdie

April 8, 2009 at 5:40 pm

Is It Just Me Or Does This Thing Read Like a Masturbation Fantasy

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resident-evil-apocalypse-jill-valentine12And so is a young woman who absolutely sticks out in the gun shop. She’s wearing a cream colored linen baby doll with blue grosgrain trim; on her feet, pink flip-flops that pop off alabaster skin. Her hair is the color of golden Kansas wheat. Mid-twenties, she’s an iconic all-American beauty who makes me flash to memories of a truly insane childhood crush: Tuesday Weld as Thalia Menninger on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

Looking as if she’s on the edge of a meltdown, she paces, glances nervously at the display cases lined with gleaming rows of pistols and revolvers. She makes a move to exit the gun shop, then returns, as if yanked by a fishing reel.

“Excuse me, do you, do you know about guns?”

She’s even got that vulnerable, tremulous Tuesday Weld pitch to her voice.

And she is talking to yours truly.

“A bit.”

I like how, in the “resolution” section, old boy actually expects us to believe this happened to him.  Then he posts, like, a foot fetish picture.  I usually think it’s counter-productive when liberals’ only response to gun nuts is to make penis jokes, but it’s not subtextual here, it’s straight up fucking textual.

I mean, you’ll find few people more willing than I to see abusers shot in the fucking face, but the damsel-in-distress/vulnerable/hysterical woman fetishizing, coupled with the leering tone, is just completely icky.

Written by dieblucasdie

April 7, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Master Blaster Runs Bartertown!

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4021_fisticuffsSteven Crowder needed to pad his post count, apparently, so his piece today imagines some sort of bizarre Thunderdome arrangement wherein the usual rogues gallery gets its comeuppance.  Ben Affleck, Sean Penn, Katie Couric, Michael Moore, Richard Gere, and Johnny Depp are not only nefarious Hollywood liberals on a mission to turn your children gay, you see, they also FAIL at old-fashioned fisticuffs.  It’s basically “my dad could beat up your dad” writ onto the Hollywood political landscape.

Of course, he saves the marquee matchup until the end

Andrew Breitbart vs. Michael Moore – The clash of the heavyweights, Andrew is a natural heavyweight, While Michael Moore… Not so much.  His weight classing is a result of pure bodily neglect. Breitbart goes into this one with the height/reach advantage with Moore benefiting from a lower center of gravity. Expect Moore to make early takedown attempts, only to have them stuffed by a longer, more nimble Breitbart. As a gelatinous Moore tires after only 12 seconds into the first round, Breitbart would capitalize with a fight-ending blow.

Breitbart by KO in the 1st.

Dudes, Michael Moore is totally FAT.  LULZ

Oh Steven Crowder, you wrote this piece just for me, didn’t you?  You’re hoping I’ll write my own satirical boxing match-ups featuring Big Hollywood contributors, because you know that I’ve watched your videos, and you’re hoping I’ll mention the shapely biceps you’re sporting under those just-a-little-too-small-on-purpose solid-color t-shirts.

Steven, despite the fact that the recession hasn’t yet hit douchebag right-wing comics hard enough to make them cancel their personal trainers, I’d still put hard money down on any of your peers over you.  Yes, even Ben Shapiro.  Yes, even that one guy who can’t tell right from left.  

Why?  All they would have to do is wait a couple minutes until you had to reapply LA Looks to that wack-ass late-era Jonathan Taylor Thomas spike-do you’re sporting.  

See?  Words can hurt.

Written by dieblucasdie

April 1, 2009 at 6:18 am

Breaking: Democratic Congresswoman Fails to Answer Questions She Wasn’t Asked

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Jeffrey Jena is all about critical thinking skills:

If I could wave a magic wand and change anything about the good old U.S. of A. tomorrow I wouldn’t fix the economy or get us out of Iraq and Afghanistan. I wouldn’t wish away the Obama budget or Nancy Pelosi. I wouldn’t even mystically make our borders secure or stop the assault on the sanctity of human life. The one thing I would change is to give everyone in the country a massive dose of critical thinking skills. I would make it the number one priority of things to be taught in schools. I believe if I could fix this problem all the others would fix themselves.

Fair enough!  We could all stand a little bit of the old “think twice type once.”  A little contemplation and fair-mindedness is exactly what our discourse needs.  Preach it, Jeff!

Ms. Lowey said that, “Mexican Drug Cartels are operating in 239 cities in the United States.” The idea behind that talking point is to shock and horrify you with the vision of drug lords invading the country so that you’ll be willing to give up your right to own a gun! Stop reading for a minute and think about that statement and make a list of all the things that you might question if you have functional critical thinking skills.

Here are a few of my critical thinking questions. How did these violent drug criminals get into the country? Are they here illegally? Does that make them illegal immigrants? Would their children be eligible for in-state college tuition under the Dream Act if they stay here long enough? If a policeman or border patrol agent shot one of these illegal immigrant, assault weapon owning drug dealers in the backside who would end up in prison?

239 is a very exact number which makes me think that some very exacting police and DEA work has been done to arrive at this number. What are the 239 cities? Wouldn’t these drug cartel guys sort of stand out in Provo, Utah (207th largest city in the US) or in Olathe, Kansas, (206th largest city in the US). Are they only operating in those cities? Do we know who any of these people are? If we know they are here and we know who they are, why don’t we arrest them? Are they working only with other illegal immigrants or are there American citizens involved. Why aren’t they under arrest? I could go on, but I think you get the idea. There have been a number of our laws broken already but if we could just ban these assault weapons all these other laws could somehow be enforced.

She was just reciting talking points.  And she failed to answer all these questions, none of which were actually asked, and all of which can be answered with five minutes of surfing the DEA and DOJ websites.

Here is the map of cities reporting Mexican cartel operations.  I found it in about five seconds.  Provo, UT is on the list, Olathe, Kansas is not.  Nobody ever said it was the 239 largest cities, just that there were 239 cities.  And anyone who’s spent much time in how-dare-you-call-it-flyover America knows that there are many towns of 50,000 to 200,000 people with significant gang problems.

Here are the DOJ strategic findings addressing most of the rest of Mr. Jena’s questions.  Here are the DEA’s similar findings.

I agree that giving every man, woman, and child critical thinking skills would be nice, but perhaps that’s too ambitious.  Maybe we should start smaller and just ask for googling skills.

Written by dieblucasdie

March 31, 2009 at 8:07 pm