Archive for the ‘COMEDY’ Category
Uninformed Voters
Steven Crowder’s putting that ill-gotten Pajamas Media money to good use with a… “Jaywalking” bit purporting to show how dumb Obama voters are.
First off, Crowder be bitin John Ziegler’s style. If there exists a benevolent God who loves me, there’s an unhinged 60,000 word Ziegler post accusing Crowder of plagiarism forthcoming.
Next up, Crowder claims these people are “Obama voters,” but that seems to be an assumption based on the fact that he’s doing this bit in Hollywood. Several of the people he talks to have thick British accents, and a couple others have unplaceable-to-my-ear (they only speak a few words) Eastern European accents.
But hey, that’s sort of beside the point. Dumb people exist! Intelligent but politically uninformed people exist! Some of them vote for Obama! If this is supposed to prove that Obama won because liberals/Democrats/young people/etc are stupid, well, take a look at the comments to this very piece:
I dear for the species.
obama the brittony spears of US Presidents
I would love to see the same thing done at a few Conservative Collages like Baylor, Brigham Young or Bob Jones University, then contrast the results in one video.
And to think, Odumber and the Dims brag about their youth constituency.
“Odumber!” I C WUT U DID THAR! These are all comment posters with a >50 status on Big Hollywood‘s creepy reputation scale, by the way. We just need to start restricting the franchise to keep out all these dumb liberals so this vanguard can lead us toward an age of peace, enlightenment, power, and prosperity.
(Sarcastic Smile. Eyes Roll.)
Victoria Jackson comin at ya with one of the least vital “what if…” scenarios ever posited: “If I Were a Guest on the New Joy Behar Show.”
(Applause. The air is titillating. The mood rambunctious. The atmosphere tense. Over the loud speaker we hear, “3, 2, 1 and …”)
Yeah, this is a regular fucking Frost/Nixon situation, here. I’m sure the bored tourists who get lured into Behar’s audience with the promise of free Starbucks would be shaky at the prospect of witnessing a moment of such world-historical import.
Joy: Hello, Victoria. So, I hear you’re a Tea Partier! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, well…
Joy: I suppose you like Sarah Palin! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, well, I love her, she is so…
Joy: She is so dumb! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: No, I don’t think that…
Joy: Just like George Bush. He was an idiot! (Sarcastic smile. Eyes roll.)
Victoria: Oh, no…he protected…
Ah! Poor Victoria! The free-thinking stalwart is unable to impart reasoned positions like “I love Sarah Palin!” against such a tide of invective and ad hominem! Whither civil discourse?
Joy: Ha, ha! So, I suppose you aren’t a big fan of President Obama!
Victoria: Uh, …Tort Reform.
Joy: Because he is so charismatic, and well spoken and sexy…
Victoria: Tort Reform?!
Joy: And his wife’s arms!! So you don’t like his Health Care Plan because you are a racist?!
Victoria: Tort Reform.
Is Jackson satirizing herself, here? Because, I mean, I totally buy that after 15 seconds of conversation she’d be shouting random talking points. And while Behar’s certainly no bastion of nuanced debate, but her lines here reek of projection. Her exchanges with Hasselbeck were always two-sided lowest-common-denominator partisan shouting matches, and I doubt Jackson’s ever let someone shout her down without giving it back. It’s really interesting how the besieged conservative true believer image is more apparent to her than her own personality.
Joy: See? You are. You didn’t vote for him, did you?!
Victoria: Um… huge tax increase, insured illegals, rationed and low quality health care, lack of doctors, tax funded abortions, collapse of the middle class, death of freedom, Cap ‘n Trade/Tax – Bad, Marxist agenda…
Joy: You don’t just play a ditz on TV! You are a ditz! We’ll be right back after this commercial.
(Hair and Makeup come to the set and tidy up the middle aged faces.)
Joy: So, we’re back with Victoria who does not have a show, and I do! So…why do you hate Obama?!
Victoria: Well, I don’t hate anyone, I’m just concerned about our country becoming…
Joy: He is such a good speaker!
Victoria: … Communist. Van Jones was not an accident. The safe schools’ czar, Kevin Jennings has a gay agenda for our innocent children. Socialized medicine does not work…
Joy: (To camera) You see? I can’t even have one conservative on my show until they start yelling, and cursing, and bitching! What is it with you people?! You are so full of HATE! Remind me, never to have these stupid A–holes on my show again! (To producer off stage) Get me Janeane Garofalo! She is a genius! Jesus!
Victoria: How can you take Jesus’ name in vain if you are Catholic?
Joy: What? Oi Vey! I’m not even Jewish! I’m gonna puke! Take me to a commercial! Save me!
(Applause and fade to commercial
Does no one care about the DEATH OF FREEDOM? You know going in that this type of piece is going to have a moment where Jackson cuts through the liberal! media! bullshit! and speaks truth to, uh, well not power, but a daytime talk show audience.
What I love though, is that, in Jackson’s case, the big reveal is just a stream of random words and names that makes no sense unless (like me) you read third-tier conservative blogs every day.
And I’m genuinely confused by the closing religious dig at Behar. Is she actually Catholic or Jewish? Is she ripping on Behar for converting? Or are the mixed exclamations just supposed to be signs of her general dishonesty? Even I have too much pride to go to Behar’s Wikipedia page.
Also, Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop would like to go on record as having a strong editorial stance in favor of a gay agenda for our innocent schoolchildren.
Priorities
I’ve been waiting patiently for a Big Hollywood contributor to weigh in on George Tiller’s murder (you may remember Doug TenNapel contributing to the O’Reilly-driven hysteria about Tiller’s clinic before his death). I expected the “one bad apple”/”can’t blame a political movement for the actions of one nutjob” etc etc argument, but it never materialized. Which is interesting, because BH posted several pieces making that case with respect to last week’s shootings at the Holocaust museum. Silence on Tiller, though. I wonder why?
The only piece to bring up the Tiller murder is one of Greg Gutfield’s daily dashed-off-between-burrito-bites “Gregologues,” which takes an angle I wasn’t expecting at all:
Am I wrong for not caring?
I mean, I know that soon there will be a movie about Tiller (not about William Long, of course), probably starring walking hairpiece Ted Danson. But I still don’t care. I mean, I know that killing Tiller is wrong. It’s murder. And if you’re against the killing of unborn children, you can’t just go out and kill a man, even if he kills unborn children.
But that still doesn’t explain why I don’t care. And I’m willing to bet that the rest of America – save the media – don’t care much either.
Why is that? It’s not about Tiller’s murder being wrong. I get that. That’s not the issue. This issue is, when you make priorities of “stuff that’s wrong” – is it more wrong to kill a dumpster full of viable babies, than to kill the doc who fills that dumpster?
Making fun of a just-murdered guy’s hair. Classy. Beyond that, though, Gutfeld is so busy thinking up fart jokes that it’s not really clear which argument he is trying to make. It’s either:
1) Tiller’s murder, while morally wrong, is not newsworthy.
or
2) Tiller’s murder, while morally wrong, is not worth discussing because he did something I think is worse.
If it’s 1), that’s a little hard to swallow given the fact that, to date, Big Hollywood has run 10 pieces on David Letterman’s Willow Palin joke, and a whopping 24 pieces on Miss California. And let’s not forget that piece about the institutional religious implications of Miley Cyrus. By those standards, I think the murder of a man who was only made notable in the first place by media coverage from the conservative movement, is clearly newsworthy.
If it’s 2) then, well, it’s just a cowardly way for Gutfeld to say he thinks Tiller deserved to die. “Sure, sure, murder is wrong. But whatevs.”
Pre-emptive Flamewar
I absolutely love Greg Gutfeld’s piece from yesterday. It’s like he started out on the classic “YOU LIBERALS SAY THAT…” attack, then even he got bored with it.
So The FBI and NYPD busted a homegrown terror cell Wednesday – a group of four men who wanted to replace two Bronx synagogues with a crater.
(Thank God religion had nothing to do with it.)
It turns out that all the explosives they purchased were fake – supplied by agents pretending to be Al-Qaeda militants. Chuck Schumer called the group “relatively unsophisticated,” which I guess should make us happy.
But it pisses me off. Frankly, I don`t give a flying imam how incompetent a terrorist is. I don`t care if they couldn`t tell the difference between a Stinger and a stapler, the fact is – it`s dangerous and stupid to make light of their ultimate goals, simply because they didn’t reach them.
Chuck Schumer wasn`t doing that – thankfully, even he stressed the need for vigilance. And I admit the typical, dismissive attitude toward the threat of terror hasn`t happened just yet.
But it`s only been a day. Give it time, folks.
He was all set to rip into Schumer for being so unserious about terrorism, but then realized that “relatively unsophisticated” was a completely accurate description, and that part of fighting terrorism effectively is having the ability to recognize the varying seriousness, credibility, capacity, and resources of different would-be terrorists.
So instead of ripping into Schumer, he goes after unnamed “liberals” and “blogs” who totally are going to make light of this threat at some point in the future. That’s a neat argumentative trick. Attack your enemies for things they haven’t even done yet. Cause they might do it! Based on your totally unbiased impression of them! The Bush Doctrine goes blog!
Don’t Ask Me, I’m Just a Girl
I haven’t been posting as frequently the last week or two. Largely because, whenever I visit Big Hollywood, I’m bored to death, not moved to the laughter, or the anger, or the smug sense of moral and intellectual superiority, or any other things that are necessary for the maintenance of a crappy wordpress blog entirely about another crappy blog.
So I humbly request that Big Hollywood invite National Review Online’s K-Lo over more often. Her post deserves to be quoted in full:
“Angels & Demons” upset me.
But not for the reason you may think.
The new movie, based on the Dan Brown book of the same title, is, of course, full of nonsense. But most of it I expected.
The boots, I didn’t.
I know that the Vatican didn’t grant Ron Howard and his team all of the access they wanted. But after seeing the movie, I wonder if anyone having to do with the film even went to Rome. Or, more specifically, if any women associated with the movie went to Rome.
I was in Rome last year with a group of women. Our group was lead by a priest you’d love to walk you through life. But there was one issue he couldn’t fully appreciate: Shoes.
When we got latched onto a real expert on this front, we asked the important question: How do you do it? These streets are not made for walking in heels.
“You don’t wear heels,” she replied.
This is unheard of for the 5′4” among us.
And so the most ridiculous aspect of the new movie “Angels & Demons” for any woman who has tried looking taller on the streets of is watching actress Ayelet Zurer walking and running through the streets of the Eternal City wearing stiletto boots. In reality, the heels on those boots would be destroyed before she could hit her second church, and that’s saying something in a city full of them.
I’m no expert, but I have tried and failed. Heck, I wrecked shoes in Georgetown this weekend and running the “Exorcist” stairs to the cobblestone on M Street is no comparison to the damage Rome will do to Jimmy Choos – well, or Nine West.
All it’s missing is a giant fucking “TEE HEE!” at the end. Or perhaps a Palin-style wink.
Thanks for the hard-hitting reporting from the front lines of your shitty vacation with a Catholic tour group that probably included my grandma and all her bridge homies. Criticism just ain’t what it used to be.
Know How I Know You’re a Heteronormative Fuckwit?
I’m not really interested in getting into an argument about the relative merits of Judd Apatow (I have mixed feelings, especially about his recent work), but I wanted to comment on this:
As for the charge of homophobia, leveled by none other than “Freaks and Geeks” writer Mike White, here’s the rub, and it won’t go down easy. No matter how accepted homosexuality becomes in this society or just about any other, dudes will always crack gay jokes. The resurrection of Prop 8 could fail by a hundred percent, and dudes will still crack gay jokes. My son is six. He’s never cracked a gay joke, I’ve never told him what gay means outside of the context “The Wiggles” or “Barney” saying something is happy and gay. But when we were at open house at his school in West L.A., he warned me not to use the middle urinal in the bathroom, “Because Mark told me it’s the gay one.”
“So what, what does Mark know?” I asked, stepping up to the urinal.
“Dad! He knows! He’s in the third grade!” my son exclaimed as some other kids came in, laughing and pointing. I’d like to say that I acted like a grown up in this situation, but I’d be lying. Instead, I bellowed, “I’m not gay! You are!”, zipped up before I was finished, and ran back to the open house, my pants stained with pee, their laughter echoing in my head.
Uh, that’s actually a great case-in-point for why it’s important not to engage in casually homophobic jokes, even the ones that seem harmless. The more it’s out there in the culture, the more it propigates in non-obvious ways. You think that kid came up with homophobia out-of-the-blue?
Also, given recent events, I think it’s massively naive, if not outright offensive, to claim that gay-baiting as a bullying tactic is a natural, harmless state of affairs.
That’s Why You’re the Judge, and I’m the Law-Talking Guy
Vodpod videos no longer available.
I’m not well-acquainted enough with copyright law to know the exact limits of parody-as-fair-use. It may well be that Chuck DeVore’s “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells”-level appropriation of Don Henley’s “Boys of Summer” is covered, though I think this is complicated by the fact that DeVore’s use is as part of a political campaign, a wrinkle his lawyer never mentions.
But it’s still pretty funny that DeVore’s lawyer decries the curtailment of his client’s exercise of free speech, while whining about Don Henley’s.
Nobody wants to be mocked. And if you’re a rock star, surrounded by sycophants for the better part of 35 years, it must be especially hard to deal with being mocked. It makes sense, then, that Don Henley does not like the parody of his song “Boys of Summer,” penned by Chuck DeVore, a Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, and Justin Hart, his advisor. But Henley’s copyright-infringement lawsuit is far bigger than one rock star or his feelings. Henley’s lawsuit undermines the First Amendment right to speak freely.
Don Henley makes no effort to hide his political leanings. In addition to performing at scores of fundraisers, Henley has given about $750,000 to partisan, liberal causes, including $10,000 to Barack Obama and $9,000 to DeVore’s soon-to-be opponent, Barbara Boxer. Henley also exploits his music to advance a liberal, political agenda.
Zah? I’m pretty sure that the original version of the song is much less political than DeVore’s. And what does that have to do with anything, legally?
Whatever, though. Mainly I’m covering this post to point out the hilariousness of DeVore’s own lawyer tacitly admitting that his client sucks balls:
DeVore and Hart’s parody is not for everybody. Hart’s vocal performance may not be for anybody. It may be bad art. But it’s not copyright infringement.
We realize that this thing sucks so bad that we couldn’t even get the various nacho-cheese-stained basement dwellers who populate the Big Hollywood comment threads to care, but look! An evil liberal! In a minor legal dispute with a completely unviable conservative Senatorial candidate! To arms!
Jena Calls for Creation of Orwellian Nightmare
Jeffrey Jena is in “here’s a question that I think is devastatingly rhetorical, but is really easily answered with 5 seconds of googling” mode again.
I was amused when the White House announced that it was going to look into the whole flap surrounding the buzzing of The Statue of Liberty and Lower Manhattan by Air Force One a few days ago.
The White House announced that it was unaware of the plan to scare the pants off of half of one of America’s busiest cities and had “just found out about it.” Really, is someone out joyriding in the president’s plane around New York without permission? What if there had been a national emergency and he had to rush out to Edwards AFB.
“Hey, where is my ride?”
There are, in fact, two identical planes designated with the call-sign “Air Force One,” one of which is used almost exclusively as a backup and for photo-op situations like this one. As this whole thing was set up through DoD, it’s completely unsurprising that the White House hadn’t been involved or well-informed.
Here is the kicker. The Obama team prides itself in how they are so, twittered up, tech savvy and Internet geeky but apparently none of these folks have ever heard of a little think called Adobe Photoshop! Forget flying around New Your Harbor. I could have shown The President’s jet sitting in the middle of the Rose Bowl, buzzing Kim Jong Il’s palace or pulling the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders water-skiing across Crater Lake!
Jena is stealing this bit from the New York Daily News, without sourcing, but yeah, again, as every article I can find about this incident clearly points out, this was a DoD operation. The argument that our government should be ‘shopping photo-ops whenever possible does strike me as a weird one; as if the Freepers wouldn’t make themselves pass out by screaming “ORWELL! ORWELL!” over and over at the prospect of such a thing.
If anything, the lesson here is just that DoD has a shitty press department, and someone should probably do something about that.
I Am Nothing If Not Obliging
Fuck you, Jeffrey Jena, you smug, unfunny piece of shit. Fuck your mother. Fuck your sister(1). Fuck Andrew Breitbart, fuck Dennis Miller, fuck Bob and Tom, and fuck any other individual, past, present, or future drunk enough to think hiring you is good idea. Fuck your agent, fuck your friends, fuck your acquaintances, fuck any passing motorist who sees you crossing the street and brakes.
Fuck the state, county, city, school district, and street that spawned you. Fuck the state, county, city, and street where you currently live.
Fuck everything you love. Fuck everything you even mildly enjoy.
(1) Assuming you have a sister. If you do not, please substitute the appropriate of-age female member of your family with whom you share the closest relationship.
Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop 