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Finished With My Woman ‘Cause She Couldn’t Help Me With My Mind

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Victoria Jackson with her Eurovision entry for this year:

It seems these days
I’m in a haze,
And I can’t concentrate on things,
Don’t eat or sleep,
Feel incomplete,
And kinda scared and creepy.

I look over my shoulder lots
And shudder when I watch TV.
I bite my nails and cuticles
And watch my words very carefully.
I bite my lip a lot
And fidget with the buttons on my blouse.

I’m jittery, my teeth I grate
I twitch, I shake, I ruminate
Lately I’m perplexed and pinched
In pain, I pout and ponder.

Why aren’t people shocked or something,
Why aren’t people up in arms?
Does anyone read history?
Or see red flags, or hear alarms?
The streets are filled with deaf and dumb
As I squeal like a mouse,

My husband really misses me.
My parents think I’ve gone crazy.
Only Glenn Beck understands me,
And, of course, Sean Hannity.
But, it seems, besides us three,
And the nice people who drink the Tea,
There’s no one else who can see

Maybe I have lost my mind,
Or have been drugged by some narcotic.
Maybe I’m watching a movie called 1984
Or maybe I am just psychotic.
If I’m in a dream, fast asleep
I guess I will just try to keep
My eyes shut ’til this goes away
And I awake to a happier day
When my ukulele does not play
This dire song of distress and dismay

What I love about Jackson is how completely unconcerned she is with actual politics.  She doesn’t care about policy, she doesn’t care about the crass horse-race mechanics, she doesn’t even really care about half-baked conspiracy theories.  Her entire engagement with the political sphere begins and ends with some guys on the TV telling her to be afraid, so she’s afraid.  There’s zero political content in the above; it’s all about her fear.

She is like a parody of a parody of a Michael Moore strawman.  It’s pretty startling and saddening that someone like her actually exists.  If I were John Nolte I’d be embarrassed.


7 Responses

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  1. It’s a fine line between clever and stupid, innit? The difference between actual wingnuttery and a satire of wingnuttery is almost impossible to discern.


    December 8, 2009 at 3:32 am

  2. I end up saying this a lot on this blog, but if this were someone on the Daily Show or Colbert parodying a conservative, I’d cringe and say it was over-the-top.

    I will say that Jackson wins points for actually being a true believer, though. She actually believes we’re coming at any minute to make her put on a burqa and marry a woman while urinating on a portrait of Reagan.

    I mean, I don’t think Glenn Beck actually goes home and night and triple checks his locks. I totally buy that Victoria Jackson does.


    December 8, 2009 at 6:47 am

  3. If I were John Nolte I’d be looking in on getting her professional help.

    Dan Coyle

    December 8, 2009 at 7:15 pm

  4. If I were John Nolte I’d stop reppin for the freaking Santa Clause, already


    December 9, 2009 at 6:59 am

  5. I would totally pay money to see Victoria Jackson wear a burqa, marry a woman, and pee on a picture of Ronald Reagan.

    Alas, Blucas, some douchebag from AB has followed me from your blog to mine. I HAZ A TROLL. He is mean and stupid and cowardly. Do you just delete the asshole comments or what?


    December 12, 2009 at 8:59 pm

  6. Really? I just looked at your blog and couldn’t find it. Who is he? I’ve never deleted any comments here (except the spam ones WP filters out, obviously).

    The only comments like that I’ve ever gotten are from Big Hollywood contributors themselves, which I can’t really get upset about, ’cause, you know, technically *I’m* trolling *them*.


    December 12, 2009 at 10:19 pm

  7. They’re kind of randomly scattered in posts over the last few months. He showed up a week or two ago, and has gone back into the archives and dropped nastygrams here and there. Comments anonymously, but I can tell it’s the same shitheel. He mentioned you in a comment on a post from May about being a level five vegan.


    December 14, 2009 at 4:56 am

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