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Jesus Only Healed Lepers Who Were Referred By Their Primary Care Physicians

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Now, I’ve already wasted much of my precious youth documenting the various ways in which Big Hollywood‘s Steven Crowder is a total dick.  He links to racial statistics provided by hate groups, insults key American allies, brutalizes his imaginary/future children, will happily turn any argument into a wang-measuring contest, and peppers his writing with more random scare quotes than anyone this side of Alfonso Rachel.

But even given the high bar he’s already set for presumption, callousness, intellectual incuriosity, and wounded masculinity, his writing on religion never fails make my jaw drop.

Poll after poll, the United States ranks as the most “God-fearing” nation on the planet. Good on us! Whether you believe in God or not, it’s tough to deny the reality of Christian principles being an intricate part of our country’s historical fabric.

One has to ask themselves however, as arguably the last “Christian nation” around, why were our Founders so adamant about keeping the Feds grimy paws out of our churches?

Why indeed!  I would think they did it to foster religious freedom and avoid repeating Europe’s history of bloody religious conflict.  But no, Steven Crowder is here to set me straight:

There’s no doubt that the Founding Fathers were deeply spiritual men (and when I say spiritual, I mean in the Judeo-Christian sense, not in the Disney/Pray-to-colors-of-the-wind type silliness). With that being said, could it be that they wanted to separate church and state, in order to PRESERVE the Christian principles that built this country?

Think about it. When has government successfully forced people to do ANYTHING that they didn’t already want to do? From forced “integration” in Detroit, to putting a tax on a morning breakfast beverage, the results have always been disastrous.

OH.  I SEE.  The Founding Fathers would’ve liked an iron-fisted theocracy, but were so sure the government they were in the process of setting up would be comically ineffectual that they decided not to bother.

And, uh, I can think of a lot of things that the government successfully forces people to do.  I mean, I’d rather just blow through that 4-way stop on my way to the grocery store, where I’d rather not pay sales tax on my tin of Maxwell House morning breakfast beverage, but hey, government.

Silly, government, with your “taxes” and “civil rights enforcement,” when will you learn that people are hateful cheapskates?

But hold up, it’s about to get real good:

A freedom-saturated environment is conducive to the growth of faith in God. I’m guessing that might be why our Founding Fathers were much more “spirit” rather than “letter of the law” Christians like their English counterparts.

You know who else felt the same way… Jesus.

No, really. Jesus was forthright with his whole “I am the way, the truth and the light” deal (heck he was even crucified for it), but ultimately, the man left the decision up to us.

I guess what I’m wondering now is, if the Son of Man never felt the need to force anything down our throat… Where does our government get off thinking that they can?

All the messianic stuff surrounding Obama is blasphemous, but Thomas Jefferson?  That dude was JUST LIKE JESUS.

Also, you know, right after the “light of the world” thing, Jesus says this:

Do not think I have come to abolish the law and the prophets.  I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.  Amen, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law. (NAB, Mt 5:17-18)

But the best line of the piece is here:

Americans don’t want universal health care, we’re getting it.

Uh, Americans do want universal health care and we’re not getting it.  I mean, I kind of want to live in the conservative-alternate-reality where a Democratic Congress is cramming through a single-payer bill.  He… he’s knows that’s not remotely what’s happening, right?

If freedom has generally bred positive choices, one would have to wonder what comes of statism. Historically, all signs point towards revolution. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, even though the muskets would be fun to have.

Crowder loves the system the Founders set up so much that he’s willing to foment armed rebellion against it.  Now that’s patriotism!


Written by dieblucasdie

November 20, 2009 at 7:35 pm

7 Responses

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  1. Oh, there’s a revolution brewing, alright. He’s just confused about who’s gonna be up against the wall.


    November 20, 2009 at 9:35 pm

  2. This guy is like what, 22? 23? What’s wrong with him? What happened to him that he’s THIS angry THIS young?

    Dan Coyle

    November 27, 2009 at 6:36 am

  3. Well, I actually don’t think Crowder’s particularly angry (especially compared to his fellow BH contributors). He’s more the shit-eating-grin ex-fratboy type. He’s such a poor writer that the tone of his pieces can get really confused, but if you’ve watched his videos it makes sense.


    November 30, 2009 at 3:42 pm

  4. […] during the early days of the Cold War?”  So much of this blog is devoted to smarmy fratboy wankers who think Obama’s the Beast from Revelations, here to institute compulsory sodomy and abort […]

  5. I dunno, his videos evidence someone IMO who delights in being a verbal bully. It’s like he wants to genuinely HURT people who disagree with him. Like, I wonder, who did this to him? I think the scary answer is, no one.

    Dan Coyle

    December 1, 2009 at 5:17 am

  6. Here’s a link you may enjoy:

    Turns out that less religion means more prosperity.


    December 1, 2009 at 5:14 pm

  7. Maybe if the secular/religious continues to line up more and more with the rich/poor, we can convince conservatives to give us some of that sweet, sweet redistribution of wealth I’ve been agitating for since my indoctrination at an ivory tower university.

    I say that jokingly, but, you know, Mike Huckabee exists.


    December 2, 2009 at 2:42 am

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