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Billy’s Hallowell’s latest piece on Big Hollywood is notable for 1) the sheer level of outrage he’s able to reach over freakin’ Gossip Girl and 2) word-choice so bizarre I can only assume that what ended up on BH’s website is Hallowell’s original post run through MS Word’s thesaurus.

Threesomes are Hollywood’s latest obsession.  Within weeks of the release of Britney Spears’ asinine “Ballad” about engaging in a menagerie, CW leaked details about a threesome they were planning on the hit show Gossip Girl.  In what could easily be confused as part of a massive Hollywood-led campaign in support of teen pregnancy and a wide array of sexually transmitted diseases, CW decided that exploiting filth for a heavy cash flow was more important that exercising common sense and decency.  Surprise!

Ah, the menagerie.  That place in TVland where the most elusive of creatures is kept:  the teenage Hollywood starlet lipstick lesbian.  In Gossip Girl’s menagerie, she frolics alongside a poor starving Brooklyn playwright who lives with his post-grunge one-hit-wonder father, and an industrialist heir who tried to rape a 14 year-old in the pilot, but is sensitive now.

Oh, wait, I don’t think that’s what he meant by “menagerie.”

I’m pretty sure that if you “easily confuse” three separate, on-screen kisses (which is what was shown on Gossip Girl) for “a massive Hollywood-led campaign in support of teen pregnancy and a wide array of sexually transmitted diseases,” you are probably too easily confused to turn on your television anyhow.  Also, the previous episode featured a plotline where paparazzi published a picture of Duff’s character (a Hollywood starlet) taking free condoms from the student health center.  I know Hallowell probably believes that condoms are murder, but still.

The only thing more grotesque than CW’s exploitation of a threesome for ratings is the media’s coverage of the menage a trois.  In a recent article, Michael Ausiello (Entertainment Weekly) was ecstatic over the impending sex scene – so excited that he taunted readers with his foreknowledgetelling them, “Though my Gossip mole has asked that I not ID the threesome (on the grounds that it would ruin a major upcoming storyline, or some such nonsense), I can confirm that the kinky tryst will involve one of the following combos…”  Ausiello then proceeds to list possible character combos.

Then – no joke – readers (many of whom were not at all phased by the show’s indecency) began commenting about who they thought would be involved!  Insanity.

Insanity!  Get this you guys: fans of a television show actually speculated on an upcoming major plotline.  On the internet!  I’m pretty sure that was one of the Seven Seals.

What does Hallowell expect that comment thread to look like?  Resounding condemnation of the CW or the show?  Er… actually that comment thread does contain a lot of that.

Gossip Girl is so lame and desperate for ratings.(**rollseyes**)

There’s six replies to this post agreeing with it, and more similar posts downthread.  But mostly I bring it up because a random Entertainment Weekly website commentator who uses expressions like “(**rollseyes**) had a much more sane, measured response than Hallowell.

Are these really the values our society has adopted as “the norm”?  In 2006, alone, teen pregnancy increased significantly in 26 states.  Liberals would blame this on “abstinence-only education,” while I’d blame a sizable portion of it on a society that continues to exploit sex for financial gain.  Can we really expect people, young and old alike, to respect or even understand sex when threesomes and other unrealistic sexual messaging invade our lives at every corner?  Let’s get real.

Dude, it’s not like this was pterodactyl porn or something.  I’ve no doubt that drunken, ill-advised threesomes are a more common occurence than many things depicted on television.  For instance, here’s a plot description from an episode of Big Hollywood‘s beloved NCIS:

NCIS is targeted to investigate a series of murders by a serial killer who posts videos of the crimes on the internet. The first two victims have scrolls with links to websites of videos of their murders along with cryptic pictures spliced in. After a third video is posted, a live stream from inside NCIS, a suspect is brought in but dies in Interrogation. Video of the death ends up on the web linking the crimes to a female singer. NCIS storms a garage but Gibbs realizes that it was a setup for them to kill the singer and a man who she appears to have captive at gunpoint is the real killer. Gibbs is given a Civil Service Award but is a no-show and Tony stands in to accept the award on his behalf.

Also, the (3%) rise in teen pregnancy is mainly due to increased fertility and (oh noes I’m a LIBERAL) abstinence only education.  I mean, it should be pretty obvious that whether someone has access to a condom and knows how to use it or not will have a greater effect on whether or not she gets pregnant than if she saw three people kiss instead of two on TV.

The entire premise of using a threesome to drive ratings came full circle when E! Online reported CW’s reward for exploiting sexual incongruence for the sake of the almighty dollar.

The first time I read this, I nearly did a spit take at “sexual incongruence.”  Is that, like, when you’re trying to do it standing up and your genitals don’t match up right?  Or would Gossip Girl have been in the clear if D and V and a certain Hollywood starlet had added a fourth?

And what a disappointment Hilary Duff is.  Joining the cast of one of television’s most trash-ridden shows appears to be a half-witted attempt to shed the “good girl” image she’s yielded over the years.

Aw shit, Hilary Duff.  Billy Hallowell’s not mad, he just disappointed in you.  I hope you’re duly chastened.  He liked you fine when you were a precocious preteen sensation, but now you’re 22 and you kissed another girl on-screen.  You just gave a couple hundred pregnant 12 year-olds the clap, Hilary Duff.  I hope you’re proud of yourself.

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Written by dieblucasdie

November 18, 2009 at 8:44 pm

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