Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop

Cow Towing to Other Countries

(Sarcastic Smile. Eyes Roll.)

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Victoria Jackson comin at ya with one of the least vital “what if…” scenarios ever posited: “If I Were a Guest on the New Joy Behar Show.”

(Applause. The air is titillating.  The mood rambunctious.  The atmosphere tense.  Over the loud speaker we hear, “3, 2, 1 and …”)

Yeah, this is a regular fucking Frost/Nixon situation, here.  I’m sure the bored tourists who get lured into Behar’s audience with the promise of free Starbucks would be shaky at the prospect of witnessing a moment of such world-historical import.

Joy: Hello, Victoria.  So, I hear you’re a Tea Partier!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.)

Victoria: Oh, well…

Joy: I suppose you like Sarah Palin!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.)

Victoria: Oh, well, I love her, she is so…

Joy: She is so dumb!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.)

Victoria: No, I don’t think that…

Joy: Just like George Bush.  He was an idiot!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.)

Victoria: Oh, no…he protected…

Ah!  Poor Victoria!  The free-thinking stalwart is unable to impart reasoned positions  like  “I love Sarah Palin!” against such a tide of invective and ad hominem!  Whither civil discourse?

Joy: Ha, ha!  So, I suppose you aren’t a big fan of President Obama!

Victoria: Uh, …Tort Reform.

Joy: Because he is so charismatic, and well spoken and sexy…

Victoria: Tort Reform?!

Joy: And his wife’s arms!!  So you don’t like his Health Care Plan because you are a racist?!

Victoria: Tort Reform.

Is Jackson satirizing herself, here?  Because, I mean, I totally buy that after 15 seconds of conversation she’d be shouting random talking points.  And while Behar’s certainly no bastion of nuanced debate, but her lines here reek of projection.  Her exchanges with Hasselbeck were always two-sided lowest-common-denominator partisan shouting matches, and I doubt Jackson’s ever let someone shout her down without giving it back.  It’s really interesting how the besieged conservative true believer image is more apparent to her than her own personality.

Joy: See?  You are.  You didn’t vote for him, did you?!

Victoria: Um… huge tax increase, insured illegals, rationed and low quality health care, lack of doctors, tax funded abortions, collapse of the middle class, death of freedom,  Cap ‘n Trade/Tax – Bad, Marxist agenda…

Joy: You don’t just play a ditz on TV!  You are a ditz!  We’ll be right back after this commercial.

(Hair and Makeup come to the set and tidy up the middle aged faces.)

Joy: So, we’re back with Victoria who does not have a show, and I do!  So…why do you hate Obama?!

Victoria: Well, I don’t hate anyone, I’m just concerned about our country becoming…

Joy: He is such a good speaker!

Victoria: … Communist.  Van Jones was not an accident.  The safe schools’ czar, Kevin Jennings has a gay agenda for our innocent children.  Socialized medicine does not work…

Joy: (To camera) You see?  I can’t even have one conservative on my show until they start yelling, and cursing, and bitching!  What is it with you people?!  You are so full of HATE!  Remind me, never to have these stupid A–holes on my show again!  (To producer off stage)  Get me Janeane Garofalo!  She is a genius!  Jesus!

Victoria: How can you take Jesus’ name in vain if you are Catholic?

Joy: What?  Oi Vey!  I’m not even Jewish!  I’m gonna puke!  Take me to a commercial!  Save me!

(Applause and fade to commercial

Does no one care about the DEATH OF FREEDOM?  You know going in that this type of piece is going to have a moment where Jackson cuts through the liberal! media! bullshit! and speaks truth to, uh, well not power, but a daytime talk show audience.

What I love though, is that, in Jackson’s case, the big reveal is just a stream of random words and names that makes no sense unless (like me) you read third-tier conservative blogs every day.

And I’m genuinely confused by the closing religious dig at Behar.  Is she actually Catholic or Jewish?  Is she ripping on Behar for converting?  Or are the mixed exclamations just supposed to be signs of her general dishonesty? Even I have too much pride to go to Behar’s Wikipedia page.

Also, Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop would like to go on record as having a strong editorial stance in favor of a gay agenda for our innocent schoolchildren.


Written by dieblucasdie

October 20, 2009 at 4:47 pm

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