Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop

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Victoria Jackson Wants You to Stop Snitching

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I haven’t covered any of washed-up-even-by-ex-SNLer-standards comedienne Victoria Jackson’s posts on Big Hollywood yet, mainly because, politics aside, they just don’t make any goddamn sense.  My bread-and-butter is pieces that compare Republican politicians to sci-fi characters, or discuss the religious significance of teen popstars.  What the fuck am I supposed to do with something like this?

I’m doing standup in Denver. Shelley is driving me from radio to radio to TV as I do the monkey dance at each station promoting the show, selling tickets. I don’t like this part of the job. I must answer the same 10 questions about Saturday Night Live and try to explain where I’ve been for the last fifteen years. All the DJ’s want are some juicy stories about celebrities. I don’t really have that many. I’m booked at two political talk stations, a rock station, a country station, and two local TV shows.  I guess that’s my demographic! Everyone! I ask Shelley why I’m booked on the political stations. She shrugs, “Well, we didn’t really know…isn’t that what you are doing now?” The first stop I’m told is a “just right of center” show, so I feel free to share my newest shocking information that the White House is asking us to “snitch’” on our friends and family. To report anything “fishy.” This news is so abhorrent to me that I could barely sleep the night before. I immediately emailed Andrew Breitbart to see if it was true. He said yes. I searched the hotel computer web to see if the big shots, the smart people have gotten on this. They were just starting to fight back. The news was so new. Well, at least this administration is entertaining…in a bad way. I’m watching a horror movie every day.

It’s like Meghan McCain tried recreate On the Road after smoking some weed she didn’t realize was laced with PCP.  I feel weird just doing a straight-up refutation of some of the linkless claims she makes (why check the newswire when you can just send an e-mail to Andrew Breitbart!), but here goes nothing.  The “snitch” program is, unsurprisingly, nothing of the sort.  What the White House did is ask people to send in misinformation being spread about Health Care, so they can debunk it on their website, something Obama’s been doing on various issues since the early days of his campaign.  That’s it.  They didn’t ask for names, and no one is collecting names.

This doesn’t stop Jackson from freaking the fuck out, though, imagining the government death squads coming for her.  Seriously:

I scour the internet and find that the conservative big shots are now fully engaged in this battle against our government.  I send in two emails to flag@whitehouse.gov. I figure I’m already on their “list.” One of my emails says, “Is this a joke?”  One says, “How dare you attack our Freedom of Speech!  Stop the Snitch Program!  It’s illegal!” So, you see, I’m really, really on their “list.”   I’m wondering what will happen to the people on “the list.”  Audit? Jail? Death?  I’m starting to feel exactly the same as the Soviets and the Cubans.  I now understand perfectly why they risked their lives heading to Miami on rafts. The fear is palpable.  The invisible oppression of being watched.  The White House is trying to intimidate my fellow Americans from speaking out, from asking questions about this Socialized Medicine.  Nancy Pelosi is on TV saying we wear swastikas! What planet is she from?  It’s all a jumble of anger and fear and lies. My country.

Well, you know, they did display swastikas at the protests/rallies Pelosi was talking about.  And maybe Jackson’s just angry that Obama isn’t starting a REAL snitch program.  In any case, I think it’s safe to say that only “list” Jackson likely landed herself on is the whitehouse.gov spam filter.

I don’t want to quote the full piece here, so I’ll let you, gentle reader, click through and discover the bizarre middle-section involving Weird Al, Jessica Hahn, and Kurt Cobain for yourself.  And the great bit where she shifts gears to talk about Gatesgate and how she loves all cops.  Yes, right after complaining about the government watching her, she espouses her love for cops.

I’ll just leave you with this:

Onstage, I try out a new song, “White Men,” dedicated to Sonja [sic] Sotomayer [sic].  One audience loves it.  One is completely silent.  I decide to skip the song for the rest of the shows.  After the show, one lady comes up to me and grasps my hand in both of hers.  She whispers, “Thank you so much for speaking up, about our country.”  Her eyes look deep into mine. I feel like we have both scratched the fish symbol into the sand, during the Roman Empire times. The fall of the Roman Empire.

And point out that A) cultural conservatism as religion, that’s some creepy-ass shit right there and B) I’m no historian, but the Christians definitely did not bring down the Roman Empire.  I mean, at least not on purpose.

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One Response

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  1. This was a Fantastic write up, I will save this post in my Clipmarks account. Have a good day.

    Reed Peguese

    June 14, 2010 at 6:06 am


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