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Johnny’s First Watchmen Review

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I am completely baffled by Big Hollywood n00b Chris Yogerst’s new review of Watchmen. First, thanks to Male-Gigolo-in-Chief John Nolte’s shoddy editing,  BH already ran a dozen or so Watchmen pieces when the film first came out.  Sure, the DVD’s out now, but Yogerst’s piece doesn’t contain any of the hallmarks of a standard DVD review:  no mention of commentary or special features or what-have-you.

In fact, the review doesn’t have a lot of content at all.  It’s mostly Yogerst doing a mind-blowingly poor job of recapping the events of the movie.  Seriously, this thing is written at a 6th-grade level.

Yogerst sets the scene:

Edward Blake was the most corrupt superhero, with a past of heartless murder of women and children. Once he realized there was a plan in place to kill thousands of innocent people to save millions, he decided to right his past by alerting his fellow “watchmen.” This decision ultimately leads to his murder.

Yogerst’s take on the film’s ending:

In the end, the “watchmen” decide to let the plan continue, or else the end result will surely be a nuclear apocalypse. This decision was a tough one and was in no way one of self interest. Regardless, film still tries to leave us questioning our heroes on some level.

This book report is about Treasure Island.  The author is a man named Robert Louis Stevenson.  There is a pirate named Long John Silver who at first is good but then bad but then good again.  I hope I never get the black spot.  In conclusion, the book never says whether pirates are good or bad but at least Jim Hawkins makes it out OK.

Also, what the fuck is this guy talking about?  Rorschach and Nite Owl are too late to stop Veidt, and Nite Owl and Dr. Manhattan only make the decision not to reveal what he’s done and ruin the peace he’s brought.  They never aid him.  They never have an opportunity to stop him and decline to take it.

Then there’s this bit:

Most certainly a conservative’s favorite character will be Rorschach, whose actions are anything but soft on crime. He is programmed to fight evil, both foreign and domestic. Rorschach eventually sacrificed himself since he could not live with the decision to sacrifice thousands to save millions.

Also there’s the part where Rorschach is completely fucking insane.  And running around exacting brutal revenge on petty criminals didn’t do shit for the people of Lower Manhattan.

Watchmen never makes an endorsement or a repudiation of Veidt’s actions, or Rorschach’s.    Its only consistent position seems to be, “Hey, you know those people in the ruling class?  Fucking nutballs, the lot of them.  Sometimes they do the wrong thing for the right reasons.  Sometimes vice versa.  And sometimes they’re assholes for no reason.  I wouldn’t trust them if I were you.”

What’s Yobert’s response?  “BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Of course, anyone who believes the world has no heroes is looking through a polarized lens. There actually are people who fight for good and succeed. The USA hasn’t had a terrorist attack since 2001, and that is because we have our own heroes fighting for the greater good of the free world both here and abroad.

We don’t have one single hero, but rather hundreds of thousands of them. They are at every military base, fire station, police station, and every other institution that helps keep us safe every day. Without them, we would live in the dystopic world that occurs in the film once “watchmen” are outlawed.

What the fuck?  What in the name of Audie Murphy does this have to do with a goddamn thing?


Written by dieblucasdie

August 9, 2009 at 3:08 pm

3 Responses

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  1. I SO want to pull out the red pen of doom and go all 9th-grade-English-teacher on that essay. What a piece of crap.


    August 10, 2009 at 6:56 pm

  2. Yeah, it’s pretty depressing. Given his young-looking headshot and the way its written, I’d assumed he was like, a writer for a shitty college paper or something. And, lo and behold! I was pretty much right.


    August 10, 2009 at 10:44 pm

  3. […] internet during the early days of the Cold War?”  So much of this blog is devoted to smarmy fratboy wankers who think Obama’s the Beast from Revelations, here to institute compulsory sodomy and […]

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