Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop

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What Would Judah Maccabee Do?

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As long as Skip Press has us basing our lives around the actions of random Biblical figures, I think it’s a fair question.  I’ll tell you what he’d do.  He would FUCK shit UP.  Jepthah?  He’d BREAK some SKULLS.  Jeroboam?  Time to SLIT some THROATS.  CAPS.

There is a Biblical parallel in what is going on in America. It’s the story of Joseph, from Genesis in the Bible. Here are the main points, in case you missed Sunday school or never read the story that is generally held to be historical fact.

By whom, exactly, is a story that has ancient Canaanites living to the age of 130 “generally held to be historical fact”?  

Anyway, Press goes on to tell the story of Genesis 37-47, offering along the way a tortured analogy where, and I’m not exaggerating, Ronald Reagan (or a combo of Reagan/Thatcher/JP2/Gingrich) is Joseph, the American people are Pharaoh, Nancy Pelosi is Potiphar’s wife, the Democrats are Joseph’s brothers, California is Egypt, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Democrat.  I don’t want to quote it in full because it’s long, but go ahead and read it; it makes about as much sense as it sounds.  

Then there’s this:

It’s fine to speak out about the current administration’s outrages that are a march toward socialism, which is an enslavement that sours the soul while proclaiming the grand benefits of collectivism yet always benefits only those running the society into the ground. That’s not what we need to solve our problems. Most of our brothers’ principles are so crazy they’re only believed by Hollywood actors who often didn’t even finish high school.

Per Genesis 47:13-26, here is the land policy Joseph instituted during the famine (which Press compares to the current economic crisis):

13 Now there was no food in all the land, because the famine was very severe, so that the land of Egypt and the land of Canaan languished because of the famine.

13 Now there was no food in all the land, because the famine was very severe, so that the land of Egypt and the land of Canaan languished because of the famine.  14 And Joseph gathered all the money that was found in the land of Egypt and in the land of Canaan for the grain which they bought, and Joseph brought the money into Pharaoh’s house.  15 And when the money was all spent in the land of Egypt and in the land of Canaan, all the Egyptians came to Joseph and said, “Give us food, for why should we die in your presence? For our money is gone.”  16 Then Joseph said, “Give up your livestock, and I will give you food for your livestock, since your money is gone.”  17 So they brought their livestock to Joseph, and Joseph gave them food in exchange for the horses and the flocks and the herds and the donkeys; and he fed them with food in exchange for all their livestock that year.  18 And when that year was ended, they came to him the next year and said to him, “We will not hide from my lord that our money is all spent, and the cattle are my lord’s. There is nothing left for my lord except our bodies and our lands.  19 “Why should we die before your eyes, both we and our land? Buy us and our land for food, and we and our land will be slaves to Pharaoh. So give us seed, that we may live and not die, and that the land may not be desolate.”  

20 So Joseph bought all the land of Egypt for Pharaoh, for every Egyptian sold his field, because the famine was severe upon them. Thus the land became Pharaoh’s.  21 And as for the people, he removed them to the cities from one end of Egypt’s border to the other.  22 Only the land of the priests he did not buy, for the priests had an allotment from Pharaoh, and they lived off the allotment which Pharaoh gave them. Therefore, they did not sell their land.

23 Then Joseph said to the people, “Behold, I have today bought you and your land for Pharaoh; now, here is seed for you, and you may sow the land.  24 “And at the harvest you shall give a fifth to Pharaoh, and four-fifths shall be your own for seed of the field and for your food and for those of your households and as food for your little ones.”  25 So they said, “You have saved our lives! Let us find favor in the sight of my lord, and we will be Pharaoh’s slaves.”  26 And Joseph made it a statute concerning the land of Egypt valid to this day, that Pharaoh should have the fifth; only the land of the priests did not become Pharaoh’s.


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  1. […] on us today, in service of a strained analogy that, while not quite as hilariously nonsensical as the stuff Skip Press comes up with, still makes a good effort.  Before we get into why Obama is just like Oedipus […]

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