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It Takes a Nation of Shatners to Hold Us Back

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Heather Smith (when will the endless parade of new Big Hollywood contributors ever stop?) has one of the more hilarious pieces in the site’s rife-with-hilarity history up. She manages to take a pretty boilerplate anti-feminist “DEAR GOD, WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ?” piece of the sort that conservative outlets churn out on an almost daily basis, and inject it will some truly creative WTFness.

Don’t beam me up, Scotty. The Capt. James T. Kirk in the new “Star Trek” film is proof of how much ground men have lost in today’s culture.

This is a rather audacious claim, since the new Trek, like most of J.J. Abrams’ work, is pretty much a paean to boys with daddy issues.  The only female characters on the screen for more than a few seconds are Spock’s familiar nurturing-Earth-goddess mother, and Uhura, who is one-dimensional even by action-movie-love-interest standards.  

So what leads Smith to cast the new Trek as another insidious example of feminism’s cultural death-grip on the construction of masculine identity?  Well, pretty much that Kirk is not a big enough asshole.

In the original series, Kirk has supreme self-control. He sacrifices himself for the safety of his crew and, in more than one episode, even chooses duty over true love. In the latest “Star Trek,” Kirk is Peter Pan, an irresponsible, reckless man-boy.  (Warning: plot spoilers ahead.) The new Kirk tears down an empty Iowa highway in a stolen hot rod and drives off a cliff, jumping out to save himself, not the car.  He gets into bar fights to serve his vanity, not some higher cause like rescuing the crew from aliens. 

While the original Kirk used reason, the new one mostly leaves that to Spock. 

Well, the entire narrative thrust of the new Trek is about how Starfleet gives that wayward man-boy’s life purpose and meaning.  And it’s more that a little weird that, in a piece that tries to make hay of feminism’s antipathy toward “real” or “ideal” masculinity, Smith argues that being manly means being unreasonable.  Now THAT’S some good man-hatin’.  

The 1960s Kirk was a skillful seducer of women across the universe, a trait feminists now find unacceptable.  So the new Kirk is a lecherous lad who suffers rejection by confident, professional women throughout the film.  In fact, Mr. Spock gets more female attention than Kirk.  When Kirk first meets Uhura, she immediately dismisses him as an uneducated Iowa farm boy.  She later passionately kisses the emotionally distant Spock. Women are a civilizing force in making men accountable for their behavior throughout history.  Feminism changed that. It was only in sexual liberation that women unleashed the Kirks from of their cages, transforming the male-female relationship into one of suspicion and cynicism.  In Kirk’s old days, men’s adventurous freedom-loving thirst was quenched with a love of women and new landscapes.  Today’s Kirk gets the blow off while Uhura throws herself at the emotionally unavailable Spock. 

This argument is especially bizarre.  How dare Uhura turn down teh cock!  He’s Kirk!  Give up that pussy already, girl!  I love how one character not immediately putting out for another character in a sci-fi action movie is somehow evidence of  a worldwide feminist conspiracy to enslave men.  

And then there’s the weirdly masochistic women-as-thirst-quenchers (ewwwww) bit.  The less said about that the better, because we’re coming up on maybe the best line in Big Hollywood history:

“Star Trek” might be set in the 23rd century but the emasculation of men affects us today. How are we going to fight war and recession without a country of Kirks? 

I did a quick search on Memory Alpha, but I failed to find any canonical sources detailing James T. Kirk’s experience with the financial derivatives market.  If anything, that seems like more of a Spock thing! 

Can you imagine what a country of Kirks would look like?  That shit would turn into a gay orgy so fast.


Written by dieblucasdie

May 15, 2009 at 7:37 pm

One Response

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  1. A country of Kirks? Good lord, do you realize what she’s just done? She’s launched an entire new genre of fan-fiction. Forget the slash: all Kirk, all the time.


    May 18, 2009 at 3:11 am

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