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A Douchebags’ History of the United States

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1968-nixon-esquire-ltJohn Nolte actually graces us with his presence at Big Hollywood today (he hasn’t even been doing those lame TCM picks!), to tell us that JFK was a staunch conservative, Nixon was a hippie peacenik, The Pope won the Cold War, PSD doesn’t doesn’t exist, and that homeless people should fuck themselves:

If present-day Hollywood had their way here are five things you’d never know…

1. That JFK had way more in common with Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush than most of today’s Democrats

2. That Richard Nixon won the peace in Vietnam

3. That the Pope, Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher might have had more to do with winning the Cold War than boozy, womanizing Democrats

4. That those who served in Vietnam and Iraq are not psychotics and victims

5. That most homeless are in fact not mystics and wise men

JFK was conservative for entering Vietnam!  Nixon was conservative for pulling out!  The troops there had an awesome time!  What!

4 and 5 are the most fair, though one must admit that the Vietnam thing cuts both ways; if we’d won as many engagements there as the movies depicted, there wouldn’t be a communist left on the planet.

Things really get awesome in the comments, though:

That the Catholic Church has done more to enable women’s liberty and security and rights than any other religion or government.

The Catholic schoolboy in me wants to spend a couple pages here quoting the ickier passages from Augustine and Aquinas, as well as the better feminist scholarly work on Marian adoration, but suffice to say, “LOL.”

That the Crusaders weren’t a bunch of whacked out, rabid Christians intent upon conquering the Muslim’s rightful homeland. There’s a reason it was called “The Holy Land”. Christ was born, lived, walked and died there six hundred years before Mohammed was even BORN. The Romans (pagans) had it when Christ died — Constantine converted to Christianity in the fourth century. Alexander the Great (a Pagan) had it before the Romans and the Jews before Alexander. The truth is Islam poured out of Arabia and CONQUERED the Holy Land by the sword. The Crusaders were just trying to take it back.

Liberal Hollywood takes sides in the Crusades?  When?  There was that Ridley Scott movie a few years back, but it hardly portrays the Muslims as awesome.

Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. There was not second shooter. There was No Magic bullet

Uh, isn’t the Magic Bullet theory the one that says Oswald acted alone?

The CEOs of US companies, with few exceptions, are caring, charitable, law abiding, intelligent, honorable people dedicated to the best interests of society. They are the sort of people you could trust your children with in an emergency. They are like the ‘CEO’ of the Maersk Alabama – willing to sacrifice for their employees.

Climbing the corporate ladder is a long tough ordeal. If you make mistakes, the mistakes will take you down. If you screw people along the way, they will find a way to pay you back and take you down. Darwin seldom naps in corporate America and thus the cream rises.

Someone hasn’t been reading the papers!

I can’t wait until 40 years from now, when the future versions of people like Nolte are claiming that Barack Obama was really a closet conservative.

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Written by dieblucasdie

April 21, 2009 at 1:19 am

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