Andrew Breitbart: Mall Cop

Cow Towing to Other Countries

Master Blaster Runs Bartertown!

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4021_fisticuffsSteven Crowder needed to pad his post count, apparently, so his piece today imagines some sort of bizarre Thunderdome arrangement wherein the usual rogues gallery gets its comeuppance.  Ben Affleck, Sean Penn, Katie Couric, Michael Moore, Richard Gere, and Johnny Depp are not only nefarious Hollywood liberals on a mission to turn your children gay, you see, they also FAIL at old-fashioned fisticuffs.  It’s basically “my dad could beat up your dad” writ onto the Hollywood political landscape.

Of course, he saves the marquee matchup until the end

Andrew Breitbart vs. Michael Moore – The clash of the heavyweights, Andrew is a natural heavyweight, While Michael Moore… Not so much.  His weight classing is a result of pure bodily neglect. Breitbart goes into this one with the height/reach advantage with Moore benefiting from a lower center of gravity. Expect Moore to make early takedown attempts, only to have them stuffed by a longer, more nimble Breitbart. As a gelatinous Moore tires after only 12 seconds into the first round, Breitbart would capitalize with a fight-ending blow.

Breitbart by KO in the 1st.

Dudes, Michael Moore is totally FAT.  LULZ

Oh Steven Crowder, you wrote this piece just for me, didn’t you?  You’re hoping I’ll write my own satirical boxing match-ups featuring Big Hollywood contributors, because you know that I’ve watched your videos, and you’re hoping I’ll mention the shapely biceps you’re sporting under those just-a-little-too-small-on-purpose solid-color t-shirts.

Steven, despite the fact that the recession hasn’t yet hit douchebag right-wing comics hard enough to make them cancel their personal trainers, I’d still put hard money down on any of your peers over you.  Yes, even Ben Shapiro.  Yes, even that one guy who can’t tell right from left.  

Why?  All they would have to do is wait a couple minutes until you had to reapply LA Looks to that wack-ass late-era Jonathan Taylor Thomas spike-do you’re sporting.  

See?  Words can hurt.

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Written by dieblucasdie

April 1, 2009 at 6:18 am

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