They Just Don’t Make Martyrs Like They Used To

Time was, professing the divinity of Christ would get you beheaded, boiled in oil, drowned, crucified, raped, torn apart by lions, fingernails pulled out one-by-one.  

What’s today’s Circus of Nero, according to Big Hollywood Male-Gigolo-in-Chief John Nolte?  

E!

Celebrity Enforcer E! Takes Their Shot at Those Who ‘Love Them Some Jesus’

ENFORCER.  E! Entertainment News is up to  some serious Mafia-style shit, apparently.  I mean, fuck.  If today’s Christians are so wussy that a little criticism from a cable network devoted solely to up-to-the-second Brangelina news, quasi-celebrity reality shows, and Girls Gone Wild commercials has them up-in-arms, then it’s time for another flood or brutal pagan dictator or some shit to toughen us up.  

This isn’t about religion or celebrity oversharing, this is about the culture war – this is about a promise ring that “bath[es] us in the virgin-white dazzle of all that metal.” Because in celebrity-dom, that virgin-white dazzle is like throwing Holy Water on a Vampire.

Miley’s a target-rich environment for celebrity enforcers because she’s openly opposed to the spread of Gomorrah and therefore a threat who must be marginalized through ridicule at every opportunity. Now, Miley’s a big star and no cool kid or cheerleader can bring her down all on their own. But the plan’s bigger and more sophisticated than that.

One possible outcome is that someday, like all of us, Miley slips up in a way that allows the left to gang up and attempt to destroy her as a moral hypocrite. Call it the Miss California Playbook. But worse case, through their ridicule of Miley, the celebrity enforcers have sent an unmistakable warning to any up-and-comers who might have considered being true to who they really are and following in Miley’s moral footsteps.

Yes, I can think of no one in our culture more marginalized than tween millionaire and head-of-a-media-empire Miley fucking Cyrus.  Clearly the random blogger on E!’s website is the wielder-of-Hollywood-influence in this picture., and Miley is the poor, downtrodden waif.  Hollywood hates her for being Christian?  What?  The time she’s stirred the most controversy was when she did something her parent company deemed contrary to her Christian image.

Because that’s what it is, an image.  A marketing campaign.  This is so obvious I shouldn’t have to be pointing it out.  The reason the Jonas Brothers’ promise rings are treated like a joke is because there’s no way those dudes are going to remain virgins until marriage, if they even still are now.  Or that they’ll even really attempt to.  The Nick Jonas/Miley Cyrus chaste-Disney-couple relationship wasn’t believable the first time, and it ain’t believable now.

The marketing campaign has obviously worked, though.  Back in the day, a man like John Nolte would’ve been calling for us all to burn: Miley Cyruses, James Spaders, Miss Californias, and Perez Hiltons alike.  But here he is, a grown fucking man who takes Christianity seriously, writing apologias for this girl:

This is what American religious life has been reduced to: taking sides in E! vs. Miley.  God should’ve torched us all long ago.